A vacancy, here.

I just got into bed after doing a mountain of dishes, so exhausted and I’m starving. This weekend went by pretty fast, I did nothing as per usual I just watched tv and listened to music didn’t even go outside the gate.

I did well restriction wise this weekend but I forsee myself actually having a meal tomorrow.

While doing the dishes I pondered on how exactly people get rid of that feeling of that void deep within their hearts and their being, that yearning for something you might never get. I feel like I’m going crazy just sitting around daydreaming about something. I get this overwhelming urge to burst with just sheer anger, why do these doors that I don’t want to open keep opening and why are those that I want to open slammed shut. It’s frustrates, angers, hurts then I feel nothing and it repeats endlessly.

“I’ve been quietly standing in the shade all of my days”

I feel like my potential is being wasted away by not having the chance, maybe girls like me who grew up with an abusive dad never pluck themselves out the mindset they are stuck in, maybe despite my potential I’ll always end up drowning in my hate and bitterness for the man I call my father. What I’m aiming to be has nothing to do with him but somehow it’s intertwined, if only he knew the ripple effect of his physical abuse towards my mother and how that affected me and the emotional abuse he targeted towards me. I’m not using the “daddy issue” as an excuse for the state of me right now but it has affected every aspect of my life. My perception of reality has been destroyed by what I had to endure as a kid. I trust nobody, I think men are “evil” and if you date then get married he’ll end up beating you and cheating on you. At 22 years old I have never had a boyfriend, I have never been intimate with anyone, the male figure in my life… my dad ruined that for me. How can I be with a man in a relationship when I experienced my mother suffer at the hands of a man. I hate generalising not all males are like that but can I honestly be blamed for feeling this way. I’d like to think that one day I’ll meet someone who’ll make all these feelings fade away by loving me fiercely but until then I guess I’ll have to find a way to heal, it’s exhausting carrying all this baggage.

I can’t even stand the sight of my dad. Looking at him drains the life out of me to the point where I hate myself and my life and the foundation that was my childhood. However sometimes I get so enraged I get this feeling this strength to be more, to do amazing things but that doesn’t happen anymore.

Bits and bits of my heart chipped as I grew up, it’s no surprise there is a vacancy now because I can’t feel the beating of my own heart.


5 thoughts on “A vacancy, here.

  1. Usually a person would give an *internet hug* in this situation, but I don’t like to touch so I’m going to do an *internet sit quietly by your side*

  2. I realize this may sound overly simplified, or even obvious, but let him go. Let your dad out of your mind. You may not be able to get him out of your life (I don’t know your life situation), but you can at least work towards getting him out of your mind. Release the hate toward him and he will figuratively disappear.

    So long as he occupies your mind, he will occupy your life. Don’t let him to that to you twice. He did it with you once, don’t allow him to do it again.

    Truly, my best wishes to you.

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