Crumbling

I was just scrolling through my instagram feed and I literally felt suicidal all of a sudden. Apparently there was a festival on yesterday and it a couple of people posted their pictures, covered in paint and making funny faces, they look like they were having the time of their lives.

These are people my age doing what “normal” twenty-something year olds do and here I am sitting in the living room like I do every single day obsessing about calorie intake, daydreaming about the ocean, a boyfriend, a job, pills and wasting away.

I am giving this sofa, my eating disorders and my depression the best years of my life : my twenties. I know I’ve only just begun being 22 but I reckon nothing will ever change. I do not see myself past the age of 25 to be honest.

I cannot wait for the year to end, come late January next year I will be busy studying again and that is an escape I NEED, bury myself in textbooks, pass my modules and just progress in that aspect I am yet to fail in : education.
Gosh, life is so fucking difficult.

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4 thoughts on “Crumbling

  1. Hello, I just read your blog, and it seems as though you and I are in the same predicament, only I am not returning to school anytime soon as of now. I struggle with the psychological/mental aspect of Bulimia and Body Dysmorphia-I quit the physical acts involved with the eating disorder all together at 22, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder ten years ago at age 18. I had never heard of such a thing and my life would never, ever be the same. I snapped. One day I lost it…first mania. I am not employed, and I too watch others lives go by on my Facebook account and such. It can be so very difficult. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that it will get better! These last few months I have tapered down off of one of my meds from 15mg to none as of now. I realize I need some help with maintenance to remain stable, but things are looking up. Every day is different. *Blessings to you* I look forward to reading more of your work. =)

    • Thank you for your kind words, it is relieving to know that there is someone going through the same thing. I too suffer from Body
      Dysmorphia & it’s a giant of an illness isn’t it. Blessings to you too. We will be victors in these battles against mental instability one day. 🙂

  2. It is sad to hear what you’re going through. I would offer that you take some time to look at your intentions because they can be very powerful in our lives. For example, if I intend to have a bad day, then I usually end up having a bad day. Then at the end of the day, I further reinforce that intention and belief by saying, “see, I knew I would have a bad day.”

    Instead of hoping for a better day tomorrow, I simply put it in my mind that I’m going to have a better day. When I wake up with that new intention, that day ends up much better than the previous one.

    Try that for a day. Really try to intend to have this or that in your day. But don’t just think of it once, expect every moment to be better. I won’t say it’s easy; that would be an insult. It does take work. It takes constant “babysitting of the mind and thoughts.” That’s the only cost of changing our thoughts, our intentions and beliefs: time and attention.

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