It’s a Saturday night 23:23pm and I’m in bed exhausted partly physically and mostly mentally. I’ve found that I do not have days when I am happy I just have days when I am less sad than other days. I do not post much these days due to the fact that all my posts are drenched in sadness and just sheer monotony. Nobody likes a whiner, which is why I never voice my struggles to anyone or show how sad I am to the people around me. I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to detonate and I don’t when it will go off but I know it’s going to be soon.
My mum and my brother are on leave from work and I feel stifled by their presence during the day. It’s easy dealing with my state of mind when I spend the day alone but now I have to converse with people during the day, mind them, mind their feelings and basically just try to put on a brave face.
Earlier in the early hours of the morning, I binged on cereal then purged, so much for that one month purge free. In the afternoon my mum, bother and I went out for a bit and then there was the impromptu stop to buy fast food, I of course refused the food but my mum literally begged me to buy me a milkshake and under pressure I panicked and agreed to it. It was a damn good milkshake but I felt my self worth eroding and my hips expanding with each sip I took.
I don’t know where I am going or where these actions I continue to take will lead me. I feel like I have reached a concrete wall and I have nothing to look forward to. Everyday is the same even if I try to engage in new activities it doesn’t change a thing, it’s not like I can escape my mind.
I drink these days at home, I steal my brother’s gin, I never touch beer don’t want to add alcohol calories at least spirits are not that calorific. Funny enough I never drink to the point of intoxication just to get a buzz and relax.
“I know the pieces fit because I watched them tumble down” – Tool – schism
I’m trying to put the pieces of my so called life back together but nothing fits anymore.
I especially hate this time of the year, the music in the stores, the adverts on tv, the expectation to be happy, the visiting family when all you want is to sit in a dark room with your laptop and just write. The melancholy the air around me is doused in never disappears. Everyday I inhale devastation and exhale it then I inhale it in over and over again and again.
This is as festive as I’ll ever get,