It’s officially Christmas morning and there is the dreaded Christmas lunch later on today at my grandma’s. I am nervous about all the food that’s going to be there. I cannot decline the food imagine being the only one not eating in a room full of people happily eating and conversing. Part of these feelings stem from my eating disorder but I’m convinced there’s a part of me, the normal part that’s just doesn’t wanna eat heavy calorific meals at 1pm.
I hate this which is why I never go to people’s houses and if I do I only stay for a short while before there is any talk of food or worse it being served in front of me and that awful feeling of being trapped/tormented by the food on the table. In our culture it is very rude to not accept food when it’s offered and my god I hate that!
Even though this house is full of christmas food and it is driving me crazy but this is an environment I can control. If I want to indulge in ice-cream I will starve myself all day long then have the ice-cream at night. There is no one who will appear from nowhere in front of me with a platter of goodies and ask me repeatedly to grab one. This is why I am happy Christmas isn’t at ours this year.
This time of the year is the worst for an eating disorder sufferer like me. It reminds me just how disordered and how in so deep I am.
I am going to try to be as normal as I can, maybe I won’t freak out when I have to drink regular coke or when aunt Marian serves me a giant piece of cake that’s the size of my head.