Today was a fairly good day I got to spend the morning with my uncle who lives some 400km away and it was really nice. My gran is ill her blood pressure is off the roof she keeps thinking of my uncle who passed away 4 years ago, she still carries that grief with her and it’s painful to watch. She looked so fragile and small when she was lying on the sofa covered in a blanket, I wanted to cry. I then thought of how I have been an awful granddaughter only going to see her a handful of times this year. Next year I will see her more often, to hell with my anxiety and eating disorder which prevents me from visiting because of the food situation and being cornered to eat etc etc. I’m tired of this double package of eating disorders. I’m sick of it, sick of myself, sick of the binge-purge-restrict ritual. I am so sick and angry and done.
I will regret not spending time with my gran or even spending some nights at her house, she is old and frail and I am wasting precious time. I hate myself for being so absent, it’s sickening really.
Anyway, still recuperating from an overnight stomach bug that made me cry at 4am in the morning to the point where I diagnosed myself after googling my symptoms, as you do. Things were coming out of me at a really fast rate it was miserable then but comical now. I’m still getting the annoying stomach knot every hour or so but It’s something I can bear.
This stomach bug happened after the night I drank my brother’s whiskey, I’ve never drunk whiskey before in my life, suppose it’s karma I drank it without asking but it was just half a glass.. okay not half, three quarters
My mood has been stabilized for a few days now with the exception of a few minutes ago when I started feeling really low and burst into tears for no apparent reason, I feel inferior, I’m always wanting, always lacking, always pursing, never getting. I suppose every emotion is dramatised when it’s 00:40am but even if it was noon I would feel this way anyway.