The year that wasn’t but was, somehow

It is exactly 10:30pm just an hour and a half to 2014 and it feels so weird that it’s literally the last day of the year. This year has flown by so quickly especially the last 5 months.

2013 has been my year in terms of achievements and enlightenment. I graduated from university this year and that is huge to me because the entire time I was studying I was plagued by an Bulimia and anorexia. It wasn’t easy fitting in studying into the bingeing and purging rituals. I say fitting the studying in because an eating disorder literally consumes your whole life. Spending the whole day bingeing and purging non-stop, this year though I really did cut back on the purging to about twice in every two weeks and that is huge because last year I purged about 9-10 times a day.

I can still feel the way I felt at graduation ceremony when the chancellor announced my name, I can still hear the cheers and the smile on my mum’s and brother’s faces. That’s a memory I will never forget and something nobody can take away from me. I did it! All those classes skipped because I was too weak to go, the exams I went to on an empty stomach because I did not want to feel huge while sitting on my desk writing the exam. I remember this exam where I almost fainted then I spotted my friend and sat in her car for an hour before the exam commenced.
2014 I am set on continuing with my studies, registration opens on the 6th of January and I cannot wait.

In terms of enlightenment, I see things clearer now. I don’t know what it is about depression that makes you see reality more that a person that isn’t depressed. I know now what I am supposed to do to get what I want but at the same time I am still so confused and that is an annoying paradox but that doesn’t matter I’ll get there.

I struggled with depression a lot this year and I sank deeper. I have days when I just can’t go on but I am still here fighting. Anxiety got the worst of me and my bipolar reigned especially towards the last few months.

I am not making any new year resolutions, I never do. Resolutions are this big build up to telling yourself you’ll achieve a b c d but when you don’t it crashes you. I don’t believe in that “new year new me” because that’s just bullshit instead I’m focusing on something called self-edification – ‘improvement of the self intellectually or morally”. I don’t believe as people we ever change but we can improve ourselves and rid of the parts of ourselves we do not desire.

As the sun sets on 2013, I will pack my problems and leave them on the doorstep of yesterday fully knowing those problems will find me but it’s okay, I am a year older, perhaps I’m wiser I don’t know but I am ready to face it all… I think! But I will collect the good memories and place them in a jar to carry with me into the forthcoming year.

I am so glad I created this blog this year and got to connect with people from all over the world, people suffering from the same afflictions as me. I feel like I am not that crazy because of people on here whose stories I can relate to. This is a source of inspiration from amazing humans, We really are not alone. We all want healing, we all want to be happy. I wish for you all to walk your paths in sunshine, glory and happiness and I wish for the days of 2014 to be filled with God’s grace.

So raising my cup of coffee, adieu 2013!


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