This weekend has been okay, On Saturday morning my mother surprised me with a trip to the lake. I just woke up and she said take a bath and get dressed we’re going to the lake! I was uncomfortable at first because it meant a change in routine in terms of eating, I had binged and purged on Friday and I just felt sluggish and bloated, I really wanted to just stay at home and restrict. I said to hell with my ED and got dressed, picked up my aunt and off we went!
It was amazing to get away for the day, to breath a different kind of air. The water looked amazing and we had drinks overlooking the lake, music playing and conversing. When I came back home I was glad I went.
Today started off with a binge and purge then another binge and purge. I feel do drained, these episodes were triggered when I heard two of my friends are starting their jobs tomorrow and I felt like such a failure for some reason, I feel like I am being left behind and I was never a person who compared themselves to others and lately it’s all I do and it is driving me mad because I’m not used to feeling like this. It’s overpowering. Maybe that’s adulthood I don’t know
I know I have my own path, we all cannot walk the same path can we, It’s just that this stage is really terrible. I had a discussion with my mum on Friday and I told her I felt like I was a burden, she of course said I wasn’t but I am.
I am 22 and I have never worked a day in my life and I am ashamed and I don’t see myself being able to work now if I get a job because of studies I would not be able to cope as the work load is heavy but at the same time I want a job so I don’t feel so inadequate, that’s where I am stuck at.
Anyway it’s almost 1am here, I best try to get some sleep!