It’s funny how when you are around people and you’re eating breakfast, skipping lunch and having a small dinner somehow your mind tricks you into thinking that you ate like a cow but when you are alone and you go on a binge rampage you really see that before you were eating too little or just enough.
I binged today, I had several helping of cereal, biscuits, popcorn etc and there was a point when I stopped because I could not believe just how much I was eating, it was an out of body experience. I was watching this girl gobbling up spoonful after spoonful. I have not had a binge this big in over a month, in a strange way I shocked myself by just how much I hate which is funny because I have had binges far worse than this.
You know what they say (whoever they are) if you do something everyday for 21 days it becomes a habit of some sort, not a lasting habit of course. This past month I have “binged” but looking back and using today as comparison, the “binges” were not binges at least in the true sense of the word.
Now I am more scared than ever before, the habits that were lying dormant for a whole month are coming to.
I would love it if the house wasn’t so empty the whole day, the moment my I get my textbooks I will start spending my days in the library. I am so relieved the classes I have to attend are not compulsory since most of the work is research! All I ever seem to do in classes is fantasise about huge Chelsea buns. During my final year of high school all I could about is the binge I would have as soon as I got home.
I will take the “social” binge anyday over the private binge anyday. You know the social binge when you are at home but not alone and you eat a slice of chocolate cake but making sure it’s a big slice because why not you’re going to hell anyway for letting it pass your lips, you might then have a big mug of cocoa and ice cream and after that you’ll feel sick and regret eating it immediately but at least the situation can be controlled because there are people around and you would not want them to keep on seeing you eat otherwise they will think you are a pig.
The private binge, well… that one needs no mention.
Today I did try to purge but I could feel the pressure when it came up and I felt like my throat would explode and my mum would come home to find me dead in my own sick surrounded by cereal bowls and what not.
I did burn the wrappings the binge food was in, like I have mentioned before cleaning up after a binge is like cleaning up a crime scene.