I just had the sweetest nap on the sofa, it’s only 10pm by it feels as though I’ve just had my night’s sleep ( by 8pm I was already dozing off) this exhaustion can be attributed to the day’s events, I have no working internet at home except my cellphone so I had to go to an internet cafe (rather archaic, I know) to search for the textbooks I need and because this is me we’re talking about it turns out I cannot get the books locally and will have to get them from overseas which is a pain because a) shipping fees are an absolute cow b) the books will take ages to get here, I will have to call the supplier non-stop because that is my nature, I have an essay due on the 25th of February which is more than a month away but I am worrier and I need to have those textbooks in my hands, what’s another academia induced anxiety attack right?

On the ED front, I am losing. I ate a carrot and juice this afternoon and purged it for no apparent reason. My body is morphing into something I cannot understand, I feel like hippo. I bought a little weight loss supplement today and now I am broke. I am afraid of taking my measurements or stepping on a scale – like always. I spent a whole hour obsessively looking at the bulimia/anorexia/bulimia recovery/binge eating hashtags on instagram making myself feel better for feeling like a complete failure.

If I had a boyish figure my life would be so much different. I do thank god though for the fact that I have a small bust, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if it was big, strange right? I have a major problem with looking womanly, I don’t want that at all cost. I just want to be tiny, I don’t want a bum or hips or a cleavage.

I just thought of this documentary I once saw on youtube, this girl was saying that she tried to perform liposuction on herself, which is beyond weird not to mention dangerous but I do get where she is/was coming from.

Anyway, Since I napped earlier it’s now time to do the insomnia dance, listen to music, watch Californication until I by some miracle doze off!


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