You know when you have been holding it together (whatever “it” is, I never know exactly these days) for the whole week then on a Friday afternoon you just lose it. I have been running myself ragged the whole week, doing favours for my whole family “oh no don’t worry I’ll make dinner” “I’ll do the dishes” “I cleaned the bathroom” “leave it I’ll take care of it” it goes on and on.
I have been doing all this for a while now but this week it was on another level, I know I’m overcompensating for my behaviour but at the end of the day no amount of cooked dinners or sparkling countertops will make up for the fact that I am relapsing more than ever before. In a matter of weeks I went from purging once or twice a WEEK to 4 times a DAY.
To me purging is the ultimate act that “completes” the cycle of bulimia. If I binge and don’t purge I feel disgusted of course but I don’t get worried, if I do purge then I’ve completed the “act” and I start worrying about a heart attack or my throat rupturing.
Today I binged so much it’s horrible, I feel like someone opened up my stomach then stuffed it with bulky material of some sort then closed it up. SO. FULL. I had full intention of purging but something just made me get up and I mumbled “it’s not worth it” under my breath. I wiped my hands left the bathroom and watched tv even though I was in agony (still am) but I stuck to my decision. Tomorrow deep down I will be glad I walked away from the wretched porcelain.
When you decide at the last minute to not purge, it is the most difficult thing to do but you feel so relieved, like phew I don’t have to put myself through this but you fully know that the next few hours are going to be the hardest. Feeling full is the most unpleasant of feelings, I cannot express this enough.
So now it’s almost 7pm and I am watching Extreme makeover with one eye, the other eye fixed on my laptop. I am wearing red lipstick for apparent reason and I have no plans to go out.
I cannot reverse today’s events ie my sheer lack of control but I have to get over this, tomorrow is coming. A fellow blogger mentioned something in her post about when you fall off the proverbial wagon the day after is like a “clean slate” I can attest to this!