I feel completely deleted by the sun by breathing, by trying and failing and by giving in and giving up. Defeated by routine, this idleness and this vile taste of subtle complacency. I know it won’t be for long but I am growing restless.

It makes me sad to think that I have several mental illnesses and often times I literally stop dead in my tracks and think about it because I cannot believe it, even though I have been in this hole for years.
Maybe this is not really happening and I am sleeping in zero gravity and having a lucid dream of a past life or a life made up, maybe I will wake soon and tell everyone about the horrible nightmare I just had.

I want so badly for this food inside of me to come out I feel so unclean but I can never purge again, I want to… but I can’t. I am on a course of antibiotics, apparently there’s a tear on a certain part of my throat. I will be okay but if I try to purge again it could end very badly for me.

Falling asleep as i type this, bed time it is.


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