Indecision is quite the beast

So today I got a phone call from the place I applied to, I even wrote a suitability test and got interviewed and that was about 2 months ago, turns out I did not pass the suitability test but they said they want to give me another chance to re-take the test since the position I applied for is now open.

The lady asked me what I was doing right now and I told her that I am about to start studying again, she went on to ask me if I would be able to work at the same time and I told her I don’t think I would. Deep down I know I could definitely sort out my schedule and it’s not like I have to attend loads of lectures since it’s mostly research. I told her I will come in on Saturday to re-take the test.

Honestly, I am so indecisive right now. I could use the work experience and the exposure but in my heart of hearts I feel like this is not the place I want to work at. It’s a fashion retail store and I would be working as a management trainee. If I pass the test and get the job then what? Work until 6pm everyday for 6 days a week all the while trying to fit studying in there and then rise through the ranks in a fashion retail store? That just seems so bleak.

I am so confused right now. My studies are getting “in the way” of what could be a learning experience, that and my tendency to aim too high. In my mind I have this image in my head of where I would love to work… a shiny building as a business development intern sitting in my cubicle wearing a high waisted pencil skirt and a white blouse with a lot of ruffles and just doing a great job until I get a permanent position. Life does not work like that, I get it but it could if I wait for the right opportunity or maybe this is the right opportunity disguised as something not so promising.

I do not want to end up failing my courses after spending my mum’s money because of work pressure, I don’ t need that guilt on top of more guilt. I am certainly not those types of people who work 2 or even 3 jobs to put themselves through university, to do that requires some type of fortitude that is on another level. Some people handle these things better than others. If it were work vs some other thing I think I’d be able to handle it but my studies are involved and that always comes with a lot of anxiety. Looking back now I don’t even know how I made it through my undergrad with this acute anxiety.

I have decisions to make and I know that I am being a whiner, seriously… there are other people out there in worse dilemmas than I am in but even so, acknowledging it won’t make it go away or make it any less troubling.

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