I am so thrilled over the fact that I lost a few kilograms, I would love to lose more… does one every get really satisfied? I felt so good walking in town today the way my jeans were drooping I felt like a winner. I am not at my lowest weight but I am close..
I could try and lose more but lately I can’t let my body go below a certain amount of weight because I start to worry about my overall health before I didn’t care about health just wanted to be as thin as possible, I still do care about being skinny as heck but is it worth it? Bleeding gums, headaches, missed periods, hair falling out etc. Sadly almost always all of the above problems are a small price to pay for those glorious hip bones. The one thing that I worry most about is my periods. If I weigh just enough to get a period that’s fine even though I might feel fat but I have to keep reminding myself that in the larger scheme of things this is for the best.
There’s always that reason that stops you from relapsing completely and for me it’s the fertility issue. I do not want to be so malnourished and underweight to the point where I become infertile, I’ve read some stories about this issue and it scares me. I can only pray the damage has not already been done. The greatest tragedy would be one day when I am recovered from my multiple eating disorders then I find out I can’t have kids because of all the trauma I put my body through. I would not be able to handle it and that would mean the EDs won.
I can step on a scale and the number would be great but I don’t feel it and that is the problem.
I feel my anorexia days are over I just don’t have the discipline anymore, the drive isn’t as strong as it was because I guess I figured bulimia the lesser devil.
I can function as a bulimic well up to a certain extent. I have days were I engage in scheduled binges then days when I fast… Forever applying the all or nothing rule. During the days I fast I never get hungry it’s as though I feed on my guilt caused by the previous binge.