Weight-y matters

I am so thrilled over the fact that I lost a few kilograms, I would love to lose more… does one every get really satisfied? I felt so good walking in town today the way my jeans were drooping I felt like a winner. I am not at my lowest weight but I am close..

I could try and lose more but lately I can’t let my body go below a certain amount of weight because I start to worry about my overall health before I didn’t care about health just wanted to be as thin as possible, I still do care about being skinny as heck but is it worth it? Bleeding gums, headaches, missed periods, hair falling out etc. Sadly almost always all of the above problems are a small price to pay for those glorious hip bones. The one thing that I worry most about is my periods. If I weigh just enough to get a period that’s fine even though I might feel fat but I have to keep reminding myself that in the larger scheme of things this is for the best.

There’s always that reason that stops you from relapsing completely and for me it’s the fertility issue. I do not want to be so malnourished and underweight to the point where I become infertile, I’ve read some stories about this issue and it scares me. I can only pray the damage has not already been done. The greatest tragedy would be one day when I am recovered from my multiple eating disorders then I find out I can’t have kids because of all the trauma I put my body through. I would not be able to handle it and that would mean the EDs won.

I can step on a scale and the number would be great but I don’t feel it and that is the problem.
I feel my anorexia days are over I just don’t have the discipline anymore, the drive isn’t as strong as it was because I guess I figured bulimia the lesser devil.

I can function as a bulimic well up to a certain extent. I have days were I engage in scheduled binges then days when I fast… Forever applying the all or nothing rule. During the days I fast I never get hungry it’s as though I feed on my guilt caused by the previous binge.

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5 thoughts on “Weight-y matters

  1. I hope you can fight that ED away!
    I was wondering if you wanted to take part in my university assignment! Its about girls like yourself who suffer from ED and you get to see their stories too! Chuck me an email and I can explain it further if you’re interested love! maheen.alam@hotmail.com
    Stay strong!
    xxx

  2. You are beating these EDs!!! You have awareness to know it’s not good for you! That’s a truly celebratory step in the right direction! Good for you! I know it’s hard but keep fighting! You’re beautiful!

  3. Hi Love!

    You are the only other person I know of that schedules binges! I used to do it a long time ago and it actually helped me lose a lot of weight. I am trying it again because I am so desperate right now. How long have you been doing this? How often do you binge and how many calories do you consume on the days in between?

    I so desperately want my hip bones to stick out. They never have. Even at my skinniest. What the hell is wrong with me.

    I hope all is well with you 🙂

    xoxo,
    K

    • Hello there, I have been having these scheduled binges for about 6 years now and that’s honestly the only way I can cope. The days of scheduled binges used to be binge and purge rampages but I can’t purge anymore well not as much as used to on account of my throat so I just restrict. I allow myself to have 2 scheduled binges per week but sometimes it gets out of hand and I end up bingeing for 3 or 4 days. On days I don’t binge I have about 400 calories per day and on binge days approximately 3000-3500calories it used to be more but I am trying to cut my binges as time progresses.

      And you, how long have you been doing this? There is nothing wrong with you it’s the way you’re built and you can’t change that (and that sucks) take me for example even at my lowest weight the size of my hips stays the same, I lose weight everywhere except there… so frustrating.

      Hope you’re having a good ED day today! 🙂

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