The embarrassing post.

This is an embarrassing post but I have tried every syrup and tablets out there.. herbs too but I cannot find anything that works to relieve the post binge and purge stomach discomfort. I don’t mind it if I have this discomfort after B/P because I guess it’s normal and the body reacts when you abuse it but it seems each time I eat anything in normal sized portions or more my stomach immediately turns and it’s flatulence for the whole day. If I restrict I don’t have this problem.

The flatulence that comes with being bulimic is unbearable and it’s not something you would tell anyone because it is embarrassing. The discomfort in your stomach feels like this burning sensation and sometimes feels like menstrual cramps. Also your bowel movements do not function in the same way they used to, you’ll find that the only way you will feel like taking a number two is after bingeing when the fullness in your stomach pushes the organ responsible for that function otherwise you would go for weeks without going. Your stomach growls when you are not even hungry. Basically it fucks up your digestive system.

I have mentioned this in my previous posts but your menstrual cyle suffers as well, your cycle can range from anywhere between 17,21,32,60 days and sometimes you might not get it even if you’re not underweight. And then there are the hairy arms and legs and this hugely embarrassing.

Anyway…….

I ate a typical restriction day dinner, veggies and chicken but later on I said fuck it and had dessert with my family, it was just ice-cream and jelly but it tasted so good. It felt like I hadn’t eaten ice-cream in years but I binged on it on Friday to the point where I felt sick. The food you eat in normal or even tiny portions always tastes great than the buckets full of the same food you’d eat during a binge. So why do I keep bingeing when the food is only partially enjoyable, after a few mouthfuls it feels wrong and disgusting but I keep at it like this procedure that has to be completed at all cost.

One positive thing I can squeeze out of this whole thing is how somewhere along the road I found the ability to forgive myself. I’ll still feel like utter crap the day after bingeing but I try to let it slide.

I wish I could learn to accept the things that I cannot change, like my body shape for example. I am not so blinded by the veil of an eating disorder to not realise that people are built differently, I wish I knew this at 12 years old when I compared myself to my petite classmates. Sadly I still have no perception of what I actually look like, I just know that I have to be thinner.

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8 thoughts on “The embarrassing post.

  1. I am worried about you. I’m concerned for your health. My sister has an eating disorder and so have I. We have both had health problems. Please be careful. I say this only because I am very worried about you.

      • 🙂 We’re both pretty much recovered but it’s taken a lot of time and therapy. So it does get better.

  2. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I recall a lot of unpleasantness going on during the years I dealt with Bulimia. Even now, after being recovered for nearly 7 years, though I don’t engage in harmful, eating-disordered activity, I am dealing with the aftermath of what I put my young, developing body through. People always told me that it would affect my teeth, and as I went along living with Bulimia, I disregarded it as I couldn’t see any changes in my dental health, so I wrote them off. I said to myself that they were full of it.

    Well, truth is, not all of the effects of Bulimia come about during the years you are actively dealing with it. I began my struggle with Bulimia at 16, and found recovery at 22. Now I am almost 29. My dentist is very concerned about my teeth. I was born with a decent set of teeth, no need for braces, and they are rounded in a way that I found pleasing, but now…Now, I am dealing with the fact that there is little calcium in my teeth and they are weak. In looking, someone couldn’t tell, but my dental records show otherwise. I have been following my dentists orders to strengthen my enamel etc.. but I really did a number on myself.

    Please take my losses into consideration. You have your whole life ahead of you. One day you will be free from all of this. I just know it. Don’t give up hope.
    Sending you love today.

    God bless!
    Amanda

    • The is ordeal with your teeth pretty hectic but all the best in trying to solve it. It’s always encouraging to know that someone recovered from Bulimia gives the rest of us hope that it can be done. Thanks for sharing Amanda.

      Cheers 🙂

  3. I absolutely love this post. I absolutely hate that you’re having to go through this, but I understand where you’re coming from. At 17 I developed anorexia, and since then I’ve “sorta recovered” as I like to say. My weight is near normal, but I understand your addiction to food and the joy you feel when you’re binging. You’re aware of how awful that food will feel as it travels through your digestive track, but that won’t stop you. I’ve never purged through vomiting, but I’ve exercised too much and restricted as a response to a binge day, even if it was “scheduled.” Keep fighting! We can all do this and be oh so much happier!

    • I wish I had the energy to exercise and the strength to just NO to that 3rd bowl of cereal. You too keep fighting those who have recovered say it’s possible even though it seems utterly impossible.

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