This is an embarrassing post but I have tried every syrup and tablets out there.. herbs too but I cannot find anything that works to relieve the post binge and purge stomach discomfort. I don’t mind it if I have this discomfort after B/P because I guess it’s normal and the body reacts when you abuse it but it seems each time I eat anything in normal sized portions or more my stomach immediately turns and it’s flatulence for the whole day. If I restrict I don’t have this problem.
The flatulence that comes with being bulimic is unbearable and it’s not something you would tell anyone because it is embarrassing. The discomfort in your stomach feels like this burning sensation and sometimes feels like menstrual cramps. Also your bowel movements do not function in the same way they used to, you’ll find that the only way you will feel like taking a number two is after bingeing when the fullness in your stomach pushes the organ responsible for that function otherwise you would go for weeks without going. Your stomach growls when you are not even hungry. Basically it fucks up your digestive system.
I have mentioned this in my previous posts but your menstrual cyle suffers as well, your cycle can range from anywhere between 17,21,32,60 days and sometimes you might not get it even if you’re not underweight. And then there are the hairy arms and legs and this hugely embarrassing.
I ate a typical restriction day dinner, veggies and chicken but later on I said fuck it and had dessert with my family, it was just ice-cream and jelly but it tasted so good. It felt like I hadn’t eaten ice-cream in years but I binged on it on Friday to the point where I felt sick. The food you eat in normal or even tiny portions always tastes great than the buckets full of the same food you’d eat during a binge. So why do I keep bingeing when the food is only partially enjoyable, after a few mouthfuls it feels wrong and disgusting but I keep at it like this procedure that has to be completed at all cost.
One positive thing I can squeeze out of this whole thing is how somewhere along the road I found the ability to forgive myself. I’ll still feel like utter crap the day after bingeing but I try to let it slide.
I wish I could learn to accept the things that I cannot change, like my body shape for example. I am not so blinded by the veil of an eating disorder to not realise that people are built differently, I wish I knew this at 12 years old when I compared myself to my petite classmates. Sadly I still have no perception of what I actually look like, I just know that I have to be thinner.