Been feeling down these past two days, not sad just lack of energy. All I want to do is sleep. I have no interest in what anyone around me has to say, their stories or just simple conversation. I have been quite absorbed in my own thoughts feeling like I am waiting for something to pass so I can breath again and if I think about it I spend the days of my life waiting for something to pass and anticipating something to happen. It is after the realisation that things will never change that I get so discouraged.

I know things can change but when all your efforts to bring about that change have all been in vain you begin to believe otherwise. When I envision the future I wish I could see light or any form of imagery it’s not that I see darkness I just don’t see anything.

There is fear of the future then there’s this, I can’t even explain it. I would not even look at the future in the eye if it were a person. I’d just shy away from it but it’s coming and it’s not like I can avoid it.

I don’t know why but I am disappointed in myself for letting myself be a jealous person all of a sudden. I was never like this at all, I am so consumed with jealousy it’s driving me insane. It’s not as though I want precisely what the person has but I am jealous of the fact that things are going their way and I get so frustrated because things never go my way. I find myself blaming God which makes me feel bad.


One thought on “Unchanging

  1. God expects you to blame Him. Don’t feel bad. it’s a natural instinct because we believe Him to be the one that can change our life “if he really wanted too” …. oftentimes we forget about our own free will and how we have to have the drive to make the changes ourselves. I know where you’re coming from; I have blamed God for being fat, because He could make me skinny overnight if He really wanted too. Yet, I blame him for these things while I’m cramming cake in my face.

    Can’t expect God to change it for you, if you aren’t willing to do it for yourself.


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