Been feeling down these past two days, not sad just lack of energy. All I want to do is sleep. I have no interest in what anyone around me has to say, their stories or just simple conversation. I have been quite absorbed in my own thoughts feeling like I am waiting for something to pass so I can breath again and if I think about it I spend the days of my life waiting for something to pass and anticipating something to happen. It is after the realisation that things will never change that I get so discouraged.
I know things can change but when all your efforts to bring about that change have all been in vain you begin to believe otherwise. When I envision the future I wish I could see light or any form of imagery it’s not that I see darkness I just don’t see anything.
There is fear of the future then there’s this, I can’t even explain it. I would not even look at the future in the eye if it were a person. I’d just shy away from it but it’s coming and it’s not like I can avoid it.
I don’t know why but I am disappointed in myself for letting myself be a jealous person all of a sudden. I was never like this at all, I am so consumed with jealousy it’s driving me insane. It’s not as though I want precisely what the person has but I am jealous of the fact that things are going their way and I get so frustrated because things never go my way. I find myself blaming God which makes me feel bad.