People Pleaser

I don’t want to do anything, Since yesterday I’ve been a lazy bum doing nothing but watching TV shows on my laptop in bed bingeing on muffins and popcorn. I usually do things around the house cleaning etc but I can’t be arsed today, in a way I feel used.

When your whole family goes to work in the mornings and come back at night and you have no classes and you’re home most of the time you end up being the one who runs errands, I don’t have to if I don’t want to do these things but I do though I feel I am too nice sometimes I usually end up making everyone dinner everyday. I have this need to please people, to make their lives easier and secretly making it up to them for basically leading a secret life ED wise.

I am that daughter that irons her mum’s outfit for work tomorrow without being asked, goes grocery shopping, keeps everything organised, feeds the dogs, cleans the fridge, empties the trash, scours the bath tub etc. There’s this inner (not severe) OCD that just eats away at me. I literally go out of my way, I could be on the verge of collapsing but I persevere so that I get things done.

I usually spend hours in the kitchen making elaborate meals for my family, trying out different recipes but I never eat the food, I like to stand in the kitchen and imagine what it would be like to eat the meal that I’ll have cooked. That reminds me years ago I used to buy those mum magazines with plenty of recipes and pictures of delicious gourmet meals and delicious desserts, I’d read it from cover to cover staring and daydreaming about the food in the magazines. I was about 15/16 years old and I stopped at around age 17.

Anyway going to have pie for dinner then tomorrow restriction starts. I wish mum hadn’t bought me chocolate and a swiss roll that could derail my plan unless I throw it away tonight which I doubt I’ll do. I have a problem with throwing away food because that’s throwing away money but throwing it away in the form of purging is somewhat okay, ED logic is twisted.

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5 thoughts on “People Pleaser

  1. i’m a people pleaser too. it can become really exhausting. and i find myself resenting people for not helping me, but the problem is…i’m not asking. i’m really trying to learn to speak up and ask for help. also sometimes when i end up speaking up i’m already so irritated that i ask in a rude way. i need to work on that.

  2. I’m so amazed that you can cook so much without eating… I used to be able to do that, and I used cooking as an outlet for my food obsession, but I can’t anymore. My will power is just not what it used to be. Doesn’t it make you really hungry? I used to love cooking for people and watching them enjoy eating what I made instead of me enjoying it. Oh my God and I used to love Martha Stewart Living magazine and would try out the recipes and look at the pictures of beautiful recipes, but I can’t do that anymore. It makes me too hungry ūüė¶ I hope I can get back to where I was (and where you are) soon… And be able to watch sports without drinking beer and eating wings!!

    • It actually makes me less hungry because it feels as though I am getting fatter just by standing in the kitchen and inhaling the smells which is ridiculous. I guess this “willpower” has to do with the fact that I hate to binge on cooked food, you won’t see me demolishing a plate of pasta but I like to imagine what it’d taste like otherwise I just go for the supermarket junk (biscuits, chocolate, crisps etc) that I buy with my own money devour it then destroy the evidence.

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