I don’t want to do anything, Since yesterday I’ve been a lazy bum doing nothing but watching TV shows on my laptop in bed bingeing on muffins and popcorn. I usually do things around the house cleaning etc but I can’t be arsed today, in a way I feel used.
When your whole family goes to work in the mornings and come back at night and you have no classes and you’re home most of the time you end up being the one who runs errands, I don’t have to if I don’t want to do these things but I do though I feel I am too nice sometimes I usually end up making everyone dinner everyday. I have this need to please people, to make their lives easier and secretly making it up to them for basically leading a secret life ED wise.
I am that daughter that irons her mum’s outfit for work tomorrow without being asked, goes grocery shopping, keeps everything organised, feeds the dogs, cleans the fridge, empties the trash, scours the bath tub etc. There’s this inner (not severe) OCD that just eats away at me. I literally go out of my way, I could be on the verge of collapsing but I persevere so that I get things done.
I usually spend hours in the kitchen making elaborate meals for my family, trying out different recipes but I never eat the food, I like to stand in the kitchen and imagine what it would be like to eat the meal that I’ll have cooked. That reminds me years ago I used to buy those mum magazines with plenty of recipes and pictures of delicious gourmet meals and delicious desserts, I’d read it from cover to cover staring and daydreaming about the food in the magazines. I was about 15/16 years old and I stopped at around age 17.
Anyway going to have pie for dinner then tomorrow restriction starts. I wish mum hadn’t bought me chocolate and a swiss roll that could derail my plan unless I throw it away tonight which I doubt I’ll do. I have a problem with throwing away food because that’s throwing away money but throwing it away in the form of purging is somewhat okay, ED logic is twisted.