I haven’t binged in 4 days and that is a lot for me these days. On Wednesday I had a mini binge and when I woke up the next morning I had a terrible food hangover. Last night I forced myself to have a decent dinner and today well.. I’m crumbling. I had some fruit, juice and a handful of popcorn and the next thing I eat will definitely trigger a binge. I am wearing the huge sweater I am always wearing because I can just hide my body by drowning in my gigantic hoodie. On any given day when I am at home you will always find me wearing track suit pants a HUGE t-shirt and a hoodie. It’s summer right now so it’s pretty hot but I never take my ensemble off. I have two tracksuits that I alternate because I feel they hide my pear shape, I panic if they are in the washer and it affects my mood as well. My family is no longer surprised that I never take off my ensemble but I get the odd comment from my brother’s friends when they are around it’s always something like “dude take that hoodie off already it’s boiling out” and i always respond to it by shrugging and then laugh it off. Shopping is a nightmare, so I just buy those bubble dresses (they are very forgiving), leggings, dark wash skinny jeans and baggy t-shirts. I have never worn shorts, I will never be that girl wearing cute shorts on hot summer’s day everything has to stay hidden, I am ashamed.
Yesterday my mum came into my room without knocking and I was getting dressed. It was about 11am and I actually felt good about myself and we were heading out soon so I wore some wide leg light blue jeans that I haven’t worn in years and a baggy tank top. Mum then budged in and I swear I almost hid behind my curtains after that the iota of self-esteem I had gathered disappeared, I then changed into my usual clothes but I was mad at her for seeing me dressed in those clothes looking so gigantic but at the same time I was embarrassed she had seen me.
I love my mum but she has this way of looking at someone and it just destroys you. I can’t explain it but she makes me feel like I will just melt from humiliation when she stares at my body. After I take a bath when I still have a towel on I always run from the bathroom to my bedroom really quickly just so I can avoid her stares in the event of bumping into her down the hallway. It doesn’t make any sense.
On Friday I went to her office and when she was walking me out of the building we bumped into a colleague of hers and she said “oh that girl has your hips”, and I just wanted to rip my face off. That girl was way bigger than me, my hips are the source of all my body image problems how can she say something like that to me. I didn’t eat anything for the whole day after that. It’s just so frustrating to not be enjoying life because of a negative body image.