Body dysmorphia woes

I haven’t binged in 4 days and that is a lot for me these days. On Wednesday I had a mini binge and when I woke up the next morning I had a terrible food hangover. Last night I forced myself to have a decent dinner and today well.. I’m crumbling. I had some fruit, juice and a handful of popcorn and the next thing I eat will definitely trigger a binge. I am wearing the huge sweater I am always wearing because I can just hide my body by drowning in my gigantic hoodie. On any given day when I am at home you will always find me wearing track suit pants a HUGE t-shirt and a hoodie. It’s summer right now so it’s pretty hot but I never take my ensemble off. I have two tracksuits that I alternate because I feel they hide my pear shape, I panic if they are in the washer and it affects my mood as well. My family is no longer surprised that I never take off my ensemble but I get the odd comment from my brother’s friends when they are around it’s always something like “dude take that hoodie off already it’s boiling out” and i always respond to it by shrugging and then laugh it off. Shopping is a nightmare, so I just buy those bubble dresses (they are very forgiving), leggings, dark wash skinny jeans and baggy t-shirts. I have never worn shorts, I will never be that girl wearing cute shorts on hot summer’s day everything has to stay hidden, I am ashamed.

Yesterday my mum came into my room without knocking and I was getting dressed. It was about 11am and I actually felt good about myself and we were heading out soon so I wore some wide leg light blue jeans that I haven’t worn in years and a baggy tank top. Mum then budged in and I swear I almost hid behind my curtains after that the iota of self-esteem I had gathered disappeared, I then changed into my usual clothes but I was mad at her for seeing me dressed in those clothes looking so gigantic but at the same time I was embarrassed she had seen me.

I love my mum but she has this way of looking at someone and it just destroys you. I can’t explain it but she makes me feel like I will just melt from humiliation when she stares at my body. After I take a bath when I still have a towel on I always run from the bathroom to my bedroom really quickly just so I can avoid her stares in the event of bumping into her down the hallway. It doesn’t make any sense.

On Friday I went to her office and when she was walking me out of the building we bumped into a colleague of hers and she said “oh that girl has your hips”, and I just wanted to rip my face off. That girl was way bigger than me, my hips are the source of all my body image problems how can she say something like that to me. I didn’t eat anything for the whole day after that. It’s just so frustrating to not be enjoying life because of a negative body image.

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13 thoughts on “Body dysmorphia woes

  1. I feel for you. I definitely have dysmorphia, but I don’t talk about it much on my blog. Going to therapy and talking about it there helps me though. I’m sorry that woman said that to you. She sounds horrible. You don’t just walk up to someone and say that. Even if I knew the person really well I would never say such a thing. Some people are just ignorant.

      • oh, i reread it. that’s terrible. i can’t believe your mom said that. wow. and she should know that would be incredibly triggering for you. she need to really learn about eating disorders. i’m so sorry about that.

      • Oh yeah it was my mum, sometimes she’s super sensitive to it and basically walks on egg shells around me then sometimes she’s super insensitive not on purpose because to her it’s a normal remark but to me it’s the end of the world. She doesn’t know how to approach it and I understand but she has been great though helping me deal with it and encouraging me, surprised she hasn’t given up yet don’t think she ever will.

      • Yeah sometimes even people who say everything right most days still mess up. I guess we are all human and make mistakes. I’m glad she has been helpful to you.

  2. You poor poor thing!!! I feel so bad for you re: what your mum said. I completely understand. My friend told me ‘being fat is not the end of the world’ and I immediately just assume that she is calling me fat. Oh how distorted we are! Hang in there xoxo.

    • Oh yes we are so distorted. When someone says “you look healthy” I immediately assume they are calling me fat or I’ve gained weight or something… ED logic is messed up! Thank you and you hang in there as well. 🙂

      • Totally totally agree. If u say something about eating a chocolate, and they don’t reply with you’re skinny. The default means you’re fat haha. It’s so bad.

      • And at the same time while u beat yourself up about it a lot, you just keep binging. It’s complete nonsense!

  3. You could have my hips. And my body. Then you’d really rip your face off. Imagine if you woke up one day three times heavier than what you are now. Would you still be complaining about the size that you are now?

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