Relentless

Wow some guys are annoying. I feel like I’m choking on a noose just by having to deal with this person. When a person goes on and on about how he can make you happy that infuriated me because I’m the only person that can make me happy, you can find happiness in the form of other people but you have to be happy from within because that’s the kind of happiness that matters. I have been trying to let someone down easy because even though we have a lot in common blah blah blah I’m not into him like that, I’ve mentioned him before in a previous post, he’s a friend. Just when you think he has finally stopped trying to make things happen he starts again, just like a fire that you think is dying and then BOOM it unexpectedly starts up again.

Advances from a male makes me so angry and irritated, surely that’s not normal, I have to work on that. I sound silly making a huge issue because after all it’s just a guy not a threat on my life, an arranged marriage or anything dire but it’s just it opens up a gigantic can of worms for me personally, questions I am forced to ask myself arise and my social ineptness and just basically everything I have to deal with but have been avoiding. It also brings up crap from the past my parent’s physically and emotionally abusive marriage. If only bleach could erase my memories and make the inside of my head clean. I would not have these preconceived notions and a distorted perception of men and relationships in general. I’m not one to point fingers and claim “you ruined me” but if it affected you it affected you and you can’t run away from it or “get over it” but you can try your damnest to heal.

I sometimes think I am above relationships if that makes any sense and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be in one so I am constantly ricocheting between those two states of mind when it comes to that matter.

All of this person’s pestering has made me start to question things deeply. I am smart enough to know never to compare my life with former classmates because even though we are the same age our paths and the stages of our lives we are in are very different BUT being the only single gal of all my classmates I can’t help but wonder if this is where it starts. The lagging behind in everything while everybody else is way ahead fully acknowledging that this is not a race. Right now at this stage it’s just wondering maybe in two years it’ll be something to worry about. I spent last year worrying about never having a boyfriend in the history of forever and the fact that I felt time was moving fast and I was getting old then when the year ended, I was a year older and I realised it was a year wasted because of all the worrying.

I don’t know anything, the only thing I know for sure about life is absolutely nothing, everything else is still a little fuzzy. It’s okay (I think).

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3 thoughts on “Relentless

  1. Sorry this dude keeps pestering you. I know what that’s like…it’s happened to me before too. You’re right though, only you can make yourself happy.

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