“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates
-I don’t think I will ever change
I haven’t been really paying an obsessive amount of attention on my weight for the past few days, I ate when I felt hungry and slipped up and binged then purged but I am trying to learn to not let thoughts of food control me but it’s so hard. Today the restriction was so severe I couldn’t even bring myself to eat a few slices of pineapple, I just drank litres of sugar free fizzy drinks. I took something last night and so I woke up at noon today, the drowsiness hasn’t worn off but I am happy I got to watch 3 episodes of the vampire diaries, that series always cheers me up.
I just remembered that when I was about 19 years old I used to sleep all day by taking anything that could knock me out for hours the day after my scheduled binges, so day 1 of restriction was always so successful.
I haven’t properly studied in 2 weeks, I can’t concentrate it’s maddening but at the same time I don’t think I care anymore. I know I still do care but it all seems different this time ’round, I have lost motivation because I am too scared of failing so I’d rather just not touch my textbooks or engage in revision groups with others. In other words I am struggling to get my head in the game, it’s only march and the semester will only end in late May and then after that I have reports due in mid June so I won’t have time to catch my breath. Even now I have a lot of stuff due and instead of working my butt off I’d rather bite my nails and worry about the fact that I have stuff due than actually start doing it, I don’t understand myself sometimes.
I feel like I am on a race and I am chasing my future self, the person I envision myself to be but I worry if I make mistakes ie failing subjects now then I will never catch up with my future self and I’d end up trailing behind forever in the middle of nowhere.