I am not in the best of moods far from it actually. I am in the same emotional state I was in on Christmas eve last year, before I had never felt that low and empty before in my life and this weekend it has started again. Everything has been ripped of meaning it just started it feels like my heart just died and I don’t know how to solve it. I don’t know what to do with myself, I feel left behind and powerless and I am trying to understand what it is that brought me here. Nothing happened that could be the cause of this I just know I am in this cold and dark space that I can’t escape from and when I momentarily do escape it’s as though I hang around by the door waiting for the next wave of gloom to suck me back in because I am tethered to the empty.
I’m exhausted, I don’t care about anything but at the same time I care a LOT to the point of unhealthy fixation. I have this clear view of what I want but fear and lack of opportunities are holding me back no not holding me back bolting me down and rendering me motionless. I want to find my niche. I just need something to grasp so that it anchors me down and brings me back to earth, something to bring meaning, I just need purpose and hope.