Reclaiming my power

I have been bingeing on and off and uncontrollably for a few weeks now. In a 7 day week I’d say 4 days has been full of bingeing with 2 days of the 4 days being massive binge day and the other 2 days somewhat controlled binges. I have no self control, the first thing I do when I wake up right after everyone leaves is tucking into muffins and multiple bowls of cereal.

I have been feeling heavier lately, my chest is filling out, my face is fuller… It’s humiliating. This stress eating is stressing me. This morning I finally decided to weigh and measure myself in the hope that I would see how much I actually gained. My parents took the scale but obviously they aren’t good at hiding things so I stepped on the scale and well…I’ve gained 1kg, I could have sworn I gained more.. Ikg isn’t so bad but I wasn’t convinced since I have been purging I figured I probably weigh more since I’ve been losing a lot of fluids I wanted accuracy so I took the tape measure and my measurements are pretty much the same with a few minuses so I don’t know why I feel this way, my arms look larger but according to the measurements they are the same size they were when I last measured myself. It’s like something new every time this happens you would think I would have gotten used to this binge-purge for weeks-have I gained-I feel disgusting-I want control-restrict-binge roller coaster by now but I haven’t.

Arghhhhh it’s so frustrating to have this warped perception when it comes to my own body. At least I found out what I have been dreading for weeks- finding out how much I’ve gained. The goal moving forward is the same as before…. restriction, is it ever any different though. I feel powerless in life and everything going around me and the only way to reclaim that power or at least the illusion of it is by restricting.

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