The in-between

Things have been spiraling out of control lately but what else is new, the stressing the fear etc… today is definitely better than the last few days in terms of emotions and all.. it feels like the calm after the storm has passed I can definitely attribute it to the how I purged five times today, my stomach feels empty, my head is spinning a little but I feel good… free… light. It gives me such a rush releasing those endorphins by purging.

I started out the day like normal then I decided I was going to eat a muffin and some coffee since  was on the verge of collapse, a muffin turned into one and a half then I downed 3 more cups of coffee then ate popcorn by this time I was feeling uncomfortable and I knew I had already lost control. I then purged then ate again then purged. I then paced around the house then ended up eating a quarter box of cereal, cereal is a HUGE binge trigger for me I instantly go into that “mode”. If there is any chance of snapping out if the binge trance it is destroyed the moment I swallow a spoonful of cereal, it’s as though it awakens this ravenous beast.

I will never eat cereal like a normal person or even eat a normal breakfast of toast and juice or whatever, a salad for lunch and a healthy dinner. There is always that moment during a binge when you are pouring your third giant sized bowl of cereal and you say to yourself “I can stop right now, the damage has been done but I can stop and continue my day like I had initially planned” but you never listen to yourself.

I can’t seem to find the in-between with everything I do in life, everything and I mean everything has to be done perfectly or not done at all. It’s a chore having an all or nothing personality. If I want to study I have to be in that full concentration zone and I will study to the point of getting a headache if I am partially in the zone or not at all then I won’t study, I won’t even touch or look at the books. I am not a drinker though I enjoy the occasional gin and juice and when I do drink I drink as though the world’s supply of alcohol will be drained by the stroke of midnight, so you get my point.. there is no in-between whatsoever

 

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