Dead tired

This week really is moving so fast for me and it’s great. I haven’t been spending much time at home, I’m out the door at 7am then I come back around 5-6pm though I am beyond exhausted my shoulders ache, the first thing I did today when I got home was heading straight for the heat rub then I vigorously rubbed my shoulders, it feels as though I have a massive wound where my shoulder pain is but there isn’t so yeah it’s that bad. Extremely tired it’s a good thing I’m typing this in bed. I feel my mind is much healthier but I don’t feel like myself, I am this version of myself I wouldn’t mind being but I can’t maintain this version of myself. I guess I’m waiting for something bad to happen so I can have an excuse to go back to being my normal depressed self-loathing self.

I am so hungry and I haven’t been hungry in a long time, you know that type of hunger that’s genuine. I haven’t had any of my scheduled binges for 5 days. I always binge on Mondays and Tuesdays then restrict for the rest of the week. Like a crazy person on Sunday nights I always lay awake at night then at the stroke of midnight (Monday) I crack open biscuits specifically bought for the scheduled binge, I eat until 2am then go to bed then I wake up at 7am and binge for the whole day sometimes until I fall asleep on the sofa, it’s exciting to have an all you want to eat day, it’s disgusting, exhausting but necessary otherwise without that binge I’d rip myself apart.

So yeah 5 days without bingeing but sadly I purged three times.. I don’t know why especially since all the times I purged I’d eaten something like an apple and popcorn but I just purged because I felt a little full and uncomfortable. I felt fine yesterday but today I feel cranky… tomorrow all he’ll will break loose, I just know it. That’s okay you get used to the spirals after a while because you know the downwards bit is coming but it still doesn’t make it any easier to comprehend why it is so that you were wired this way.


2 thoughts on “Dead tired

  1. “…tomorrow all hell will break loose, I just know it.”

    What if you didn’t know it? What if you just refused to know the pattern?

    If you didn’t “know it,” then your mind (and body) wouldn’t automatically prepare for it, wouldn’t wait for it to come. Even if it’s prolonged by just an hour, then that’s a positive step forward.

    What if that one hour turns into six hours on the next cycle? And then it turns into one full day, then two, then a week?

    Small steps. Small positive steps.

    Be strong.

    • If you put it like that it makes a lot of sense, what one convinces oneself will happen usually happens not because it was meant to happen but you just continue with the mean cycle but cycles are hard to break but yes taking small positive steps… I can do that… doesn’t seem so hard as opposed to giant steps which leave one feeling discouraged.

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