This week really is moving so fast for me and it’s great. I haven’t been spending much time at home, I’m out the door at 7am then I come back around 5-6pm though I am beyond exhausted my shoulders ache, the first thing I did today when I got home was heading straight for the heat rub then I vigorously rubbed my shoulders, it feels as though I have a massive wound where my shoulder pain is but there isn’t so yeah it’s that bad. Extremely tired it’s a good thing I’m typing this in bed. I feel my mind is much healthier but I don’t feel like myself, I am this version of myself I wouldn’t mind being but I can’t maintain this version of myself. I guess I’m waiting for something bad to happen so I can have an excuse to go back to being my normal depressed self-loathing self.
I am so hungry and I haven’t been hungry in a long time, you know that type of hunger that’s genuine. I haven’t had any of my scheduled binges for 5 days. I always binge on Mondays and Tuesdays then restrict for the rest of the week. Like a crazy person on Sunday nights I always lay awake at night then at the stroke of midnight (Monday) I crack open biscuits specifically bought for the scheduled binge, I eat until 2am then go to bed then I wake up at 7am and binge for the whole day sometimes until I fall asleep on the sofa, it’s exciting to have an all you want to eat day, it’s disgusting, exhausting but necessary otherwise without that binge I’d rip myself apart.
So yeah 5 days without bingeing but sadly I purged three times.. I don’t know why especially since all the times I purged I’d eaten something like an apple and popcorn but I just purged because I felt a little full and uncomfortable. I felt fine yesterday but today I feel cranky… tomorrow all he’ll will break loose, I just know it. That’s okay you get used to the spirals after a while because you know the downwards bit is coming but it still doesn’t make it any easier to comprehend why it is so that you were wired this way.