Had a chilled night having a Scandal marathon, it’s quite addictive Kerry Washington is so badass in it! So my dad comes home around 10 every night and whenever I am in the living room he never comes to sit in it even if it’s my mum, brother and I as long as I am in the room he sits in the kitchen or in his car. It’s not me just imagining it even my brother said so and the only conclusion I can come up with is that he is ashamed. Dad and I have had words in the past, I give as good as I get in an argument but arguments with him are always filled with so much rage. My brother can’t yell at him the way I do neither can my mum they could but they don’t because they’re not that kind of people, they are soft chilled people but I am not, I am the opposite.
I’ve mentioned on here about how my relationship with my dad is non-existent because he used to beat up my mum and abuse her and that in turn emotionally scarred me. So I don’t want anything to do with him but we live in the same house and he does nothing to contribute which is fine because mum has always been the provider, (I sound like a brat saying “mum is providing” at 22 years old but the job market is tough and I am trying) he insisted and chipped in on my tuition for my first year and the first semester of second year.. I didn’t ask him neither did mum “it was something he had to do” – fine but then a couple of months ago he started saying crap like he put me through university and so I owe him, bullshit! I then told him that when I get a job I would pay him plus interest, he then felt bad and apologised, what a loser.
He tries to make small talk with me and sometimes I respond but there is always that little something he says, an ludicrous insinuation or taking an innocent comment and making it into a complete scandal.
There are so many things he does that could fill a million pages. He doesn’t yell as much these days but he’s just this soul sucking source of negative energy that I see every single day.
In my heart I know he is ashamed and by the way he finds things to talk to me about so that we at least talk, he’s the one engaging me in conversation if he didn’t say hie to me first in the hallway would never talk and I’m fine with that.
Instead of growing up in a normal home my brother and I grew up with a dad who beat our mum and when we heard her screams we would wake up on a school night might I add and then try to stop him from chocking mum to death, we would literally beg him to stop. One time, I was 13 and my brother was 17, the three of us including our maid at the time had to rescue mum after dad had attempted to rape mum.
So I can’t forgive, I think God would understand, I can only just tolerate… to the best of my abilities. He’s nothing now… my dad he has chronic illnesses and that’s why mum lets him stay. We could out monster the monster by kicking him out but in doing so we ourselves would become monsters.
I feel stronger when facing him, I am not the same kid from his memory and he knows it. I am in power, I used to have this tremble in my voice when we argued but now it’s gone.
I will always hate my dad. It’s like I grew up with 2 dads because of his different personalities. I just stated crying because I remembered how he used to pick me up from school and everyday we would stop by the store to buy a snack, how we took mini road trips and he would buy me two packet of crisps.. Beef flavoured… always… I can still taste them! How I was embarrassed when he picked me up from school in an old bit up truck but knowing that he would always show up. Then there the awful side of him that completely erases the good.
Sometimes I think I am holding on to so much anger and I should let it go but if I let it go then I’d be saying it’s okay you did what you did, I forgive you then all this suffering and emotional scarring will have been for nothing. His knowledge of the fact that his only daughter hates his guts is so satisfying to me. Yeah these days he isn’t a jerk but anytime his personalities will switch and we’ll get the sick bastard back, maybe it’s not a case of different personalities but it’s just that that’s who he is, a narcisstic prick who will never change.