Everyone I know is exploring different avenues, moving on to the next step, progressing and I am still peeking outside my bedroom window waiting for the sun to shine.
The guy who was in the same year as me is moving away to some country to teach English, this other guy who was a semester behind me was offered a job and he is writing his exams soon and he will be done with his undergrad, then there’s this girl who was in the same year as me, she now works for a really good company and she is pursuing other things academic wise.
I was in the same boat as these people, joking about how exams would be the end of us or how that accounting module was the devil. We were the same in a way but now here I am tethered to the ground unable to progress, living in a really emotionally draining environment. “seems like everything around here stays like stone” – Ben Howard – Everything.
When I was doing my undergrad I gave it my all, I had never put so much effort into something like that before and it taught me the real meaning of what to try your best means. I thought that at the end of the journey there would be so much change, I thought that after the triumph great things would be waiting for me but when I got there, there was nothing. It was the same and yet worse because is this it? All that I gave blood for to end up here. Deep inside I still believe the reason why nothing is progressing is because there is something huge waiting for me down the road and all I have to do is to keep running towards it, I hate myself for thinking that way because having hope destroyed me before, hope destroys because when what you were expecting to happen does come to pass it changes you.
“We’ve all been changed from what we were” – Editors – Smokers outside hospital doors
I am finding it so challenging to fully commit 100% percent to my studies right now because I am no longer under the illusion that a degree certificate will change one’s life drastically if at all. It all comes down to opportunity+hard work at the very end of the day. You can stare at your cum laude degree certificate all day but if you don’t get the opportunity and then make good use of that opportunity then it will all be for nothing. I just wish life would point me to a door and I swear mine will be one hell of a knock and once I am in I will make the most of it.
I am trying hard to focus on my path and my path only and not look at where other people are in their race. I used to be so proud of my path but now I am filled with doubt and envy. I am literally drenched in doubt running towards the unknown.