So I suppose God had something he had to communicate with me today.
I battle with a lot of discontent with everything in my life and it leaves me in misery. There are days when I feel okay, I walk around the house, I study, feed the dogs, run errands etc and by mid-week I get so tired mentally and then that mental tiredness translates into physical exhaustion. Everyday tedium is dizzying and inescapable. There isn’t a lot that motivates me in life, I do things because I want to prove a point or because I feel forced, I force myself nobody does. Sometimes I feel as though being a “self-machine” is both a blessing and a curse
This year has been worse than the previous years, I have no drive. What used to drive me like my uni work doesn’t anymore, it’s done it’s over… I graduated, In hindsight I now realise that the reason I chose to study further is because I was seeking that familiar drive, that hunger for distinctions because at the end of the day academic stuff is what I do best. I am not artistic nor do I have other talents. It’s no longer the same, I have no motivation, there is overwhelming feeling of disgruntlement that pushes me to the ground because I thought getting my undergrad would change everything… it didn’t. Now I am pursuing something academic wise and unlike a year ago I know what is end the end of the line, there is no job waiting for me, the feeling of loss will exacerbate, I am changed but not in the ways that I desire.. instead I am just angry and awaiting a miracle.
Anyway today I was in the car with my mum on the other side of town, we were at an intersection and this woman was selling stuff to motorist on the road. There was something different about her and the closer I looked I saw that she had only one hand. Here I was in the comfort of a car while this woman was out there in the terrible heat selling mints, water and football flags and she had one hand. I thought to myself “how could I” how could I be so ungrateful given everything that I have, it’s not much but someone out there would give anything to be in my shoes. It’s funny how life works there is someone who wants what I have, I myself am someone who wants what someone else has and so on and so forth,the discontent within ourselves as humans is enending.
I wish my discontent was healthy but it’s not, it gnaws away at me always, it makes me physically ill. I don’t want everything, I don’t want the whole wide world.. I am not some idealist person who wants it all. I just want something… something to hold on to and something that will give me purpose. At some point you get weary of being starved of reason.
showed reminded me that I am blessed, I am not standing at an intersection selling snacks for my livelihood, I am sitting on a sofa drinking flavoured water and blogging about my feelings, I know some have it worse, I have seen it with my own eyes, I keep seeing it but that knowledge alone isn’t enough to make me feel content and magically discover a new-found appreciation for life and all that it has dished up for me
It’s also funny how when we want to convince ourselves that our lives have meaning and are not so bad, we compare ourselves to someone in a far worse position why not someone who is in a similar position? because it won’t have any impact. You shouldn’t have to compare yourself with a disabled person to make yourself feel better or content with your life.
It sickens to admit this but sometimes other people’s misfortunes nourish me, not in way where I am rejoicing but in way that makes me feel better about my life. If someone I know fails their exam of course I feel for them but I also feel better about whatever is going on in my life because in that moment I am “better off”. I have to be a step ahead of everyone or I’ll feel like the world is ending. I have to be the smartest one in my family, I breath a sigh of relief when a cousin fails an exam or gets pregnant.. why? because at least I’ll still be a few steps ahead though we’re not walking in the same path I am still “winning” I suppose that’s where my inferiority complex comes to the party. I live in fear that maybe karma will come back ’round and burn me for all these feelings that I harbour if it hasn’t already. If I am indeed “winning” then why do I feel nothing.