Sifting through the rubble

I don’t know what made me think of this old email address of mine that is linked to all the dating websites I am on, yes dating websites. It’s not something I take seriously and sometimes I genuinely forget about these sites but days on when I am bored I login and have look-see, granted I have to recover the passwords because I always forget.

I have been at it for a few hours now and my god I cannot find someone I am attracted to or even with the same interests as me, It’s like sifting through piles and piles rubble and trying to look for a gem underneath there. I stumbled on this profile and I literally almost died because this guy liked the same music as me and he was so attractive so this voice inside of me kept saying “you have to message him, don’t let him get away” another voice was saying “close the tab close the tab, what are you even thinking of doing”- I listened to the first voice and I messaged him with something really silly I am now kicking myself, I said “hello *waves* I see you like Nirvana what an epic band” hahah yeah some ice breaker that was.

I am really excited to see if I get a response. You hear these stories of people who met online and how they have been together ever since etc etc and I don’t know I just thought why not go for it, that’s the best thing about this whole online thing, all that anxiety is not an issue.. well up to a certain extent it’s not as though the person is sitting next to you and you’re choking because you don’t know what to say, you’re behind a computer screen you feel at ease and when you hit it off you meet up in a of course then who knows what can happen. This whole conventional way of meeting someone has proven to be a myth for me so therefore dating sites it is. It’s still quite amusing at this stage, I’m not really emotionally invested in the process and I am not refreshing my dating page every 5 minutes to see if anyone has replied or who viewed my page.

I don’t even know what brought me here to be honest, why the sudden urge to start dating but I guess it’s something that I genuinely feel I want not because I am single and should or must… I want to. I think I am ready. I want that feeling of being in love with someone, I have never been in love before heck I have never even had a boyfriend before (I want to cover my face every time I make this confession) yes I have been infatuated with long-haired guys who are into metal and wear black nail polish (always that type) but it’s always me admiring them from afar and that’s it.

“Everybody, everybody just want to fall in love” – Metric – Sick Muse… well that is true, though some of us may try to deny it because we think we cannot be loved and cannot love because of past childhood trauma because that’s where it always comes back to which at the end of the day is something you just have to get the hell over.  Every time I picture myself in a relationship I picture my dad bashing my mum, I picture myself in the same situation… history repeating itself, there is no reason why those images should even exist in the same mindset but they do, it’s irrational fear I know but I can’t seem to shake the images off and neither can I obliterate the memories from my head, the more I try to forget the more angrier I get and the more I remember some more. I suppose it will take a while to heal but I am beginning to become less and less anti-male so to speak, there are good guys out there just gotta sift through the rubble.


2 thoughts on “Sifting through the rubble

  1. I felt that way back in 1976, so i gave up in trying to choose myself and gave it God, and in November of that year, here is a prayer i wrote and spoke to God, and I quietly waited for him to choose for me, not searching anymore and turning away from everyone that I thought would be the right one… and June 24 of the next year i was married and now have been for 37 years comes this year. I am feeling your heart and spirit, know that God looks at the whole of the individual and not just the outside. He really knows the heart. Paul says its better to stay single if you can and let God be the love of your life…first! But if you cannot he pray and patiently wait on his answer, it may seem like a long time, but he is always right on time. You post was wonderfully written. Hugs and blessings to you always…here is the poem I wrote in November of 1976.


    Sometimes I feel so crazy now
    Especially at night, so very alone
    My heart and soul feel so empty
    As my thoughts just seem to roam

    It seems entirely different these days
    How my mistakes I seem to repeat
    Whenever I lead with my emotions
    Not really evaluating what my eyes see

    It seems I become more uneasy now
    No longer sure if I should take a chance
    As it seems each time I lead with my heart
    It always ends in another broken romance

    So I think I’ll hold still for the present
    Placing my faith in God that I will not slip
    And the wife that I have asked Him for
    Will come into my life with a lasting bliss

    Wendell A. Brown, Nov 1976

    Do not let the past cripple, you trust and have faith, and do not look back look to Gods love!

    Do not emb

    • 37 years wow that’s amazing congratulations, I too hope to have something that will last that long. I understand the concept of leaving it in God’s hands, my mother always says “let go and let God” and it’s easier said than done but deep down I believe it’s the only way to move forward. Your poem is amazing, your story is something to look up to, thank you for your kind words. Cheers 🙂

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