I don’t know what made me think of this old email address of mine that is linked to all the dating websites I am on, yes dating websites. It’s not something I take seriously and sometimes I genuinely forget about these sites but days on when I am bored I login and have look-see, granted I have to recover the passwords because I always forget.
I have been at it for a few hours now and my god I cannot find someone I am attracted to or even with the same interests as me, It’s like sifting through piles and piles rubble and trying to look for a gem underneath there. I stumbled on this profile and I literally almost died because this guy liked the same music as me and he was so attractive so this voice inside of me kept saying “you have to message him, don’t let him get away” another voice was saying “close the tab close the tab, what are you even thinking of doing”- I listened to the first voice and I messaged him with something really silly I am now kicking myself, I said “hello *waves* I see you like Nirvana what an epic band” hahah yeah some ice breaker that was.
I am really excited to see if I get a response. You hear these stories of people who met online and how they have been together ever since etc etc and I don’t know I just thought why not go for it, that’s the best thing about this whole online thing, all that anxiety is not an issue.. well up to a certain extent it’s not as though the person is sitting next to you and you’re choking because you don’t know what to say, you’re behind a computer screen you feel at ease and when you hit it off you meet up in a of course then who knows what can happen. This whole conventional way of meeting someone has proven to be a myth for me so therefore dating sites it is. It’s still quite amusing at this stage, I’m not really emotionally invested in the process and I am not refreshing my dating page every 5 minutes to see if anyone has replied or who viewed my page.
I don’t even know what brought me here to be honest, why the sudden urge to start dating but I guess it’s something that I genuinely feel I want not because I am single and should or must… I want to. I think I am ready. I want that feeling of being in love with someone, I have never been in love before heck I have never even had a boyfriend before (I want to cover my face every time I make this confession) yes I have been infatuated with long-haired guys who are into metal and wear black nail polish (always that type) but it’s always me admiring them from afar and that’s it.
“Everybody, everybody just want to fall in love” – Metric – Sick Muse… well that is true, though some of us may try to deny it because we think we cannot be loved and cannot love because of past childhood trauma because that’s where it always comes back to which at the end of the day is something you just have to get the hell over. Every time I picture myself in a relationship I picture my dad bashing my mum, I picture myself in the same situation… history repeating itself, there is no reason why those images should even exist in the same mindset but they do, it’s irrational fear I know but I can’t seem to shake the images off and neither can I obliterate the memories from my head, the more I try to forget the more angrier I get and the more I remember some more. I suppose it will take a while to heal but I am beginning to become less and less anti-male so to speak, there are good guys out there just gotta sift through the rubble.