The end of purging

I don’t know how many days it has been since the ol purge but I think it has been 6+ days I am not sure, I don’t keep track anymore. I have however been feeling the bloat you get when you have spent a couple of days without purging because your body is confused. I know I can’t purge anymore that’s just not a risk I am willing to take, I know I have said this before but this time it’s no longer fear talking, it’s reality. When I put my fingers down my throat to the left side I can feel something is wrong and out of place, if I push my fingers down my throat and attempt to purge, a bit of food comes out but when I look at my fingers they have blood on them. That luxury so to speak of ridding of the guilt, that euphoric feeling, the easy way out, the coping mechanism I have relied on for so many years has been taken away from me.

Would I love to be able to purge like normal? hell yes and that is my problem. I enjoy food, I love food, I love snacks, chocolates, muffins, cereal you name it. I love food but it’s one thing I fear most in the world. I want to devour it but I can’t because I will get fat so I starve until the urge overtakes and I binge and purge but there is no longer a way to rectify it, I hate exercising with a passion, I’d rather not eat anything and then spend the whole day feeling dizzy as long as I am getting results. The idea to purge was my brilliant idea the first time I did it all those years ago, it was exciting, it worked/works. now I feel like my throat and my body have turned on me, I wanted recovery to be as a result of me being in control and saying no purging but instead my throat is saying no to me. It scares me that I might lose control and end up purging and end up completely messing myself up. You are not yourself when you are in the binge-purge zone, yes you are you in some sense but not entirely.. you are this thing, this ravenous beast on a mission.

My eating has been half haphazard for the past few days but I’ve made the conscious decision to not dwell on it, by haphazard I don’t mean overeating or bingeing but I have been eating foods outside of the what I usually limit myself to like adding a portion of noodles instead of just having vegetables and grilled chicken, having a muffin with my coffee granted I always always dissect any muffin I eat.. I perform surgery on muffins by breaking it into a million pieces and only eating the top crusty part and the sides and then I throw it away… always. I have an issue with texture when it comes to the food I eat, I like hard food like toast, my meat has to be dry. when I eat bread it has to be hard brown bread and even then I will only eat the crusts.

I have been feeling extremely lethargic towards the end of the day and I am breaking rules. I am breaking so many of my rules but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world, I never used to eat before 7pm now I do, I never used to allow myself a muffin with my coffee unless it was a binge or an “off-day”/ scheduled binge day were I surfeit myself to the point of loathing everything about myself. Today and last night I had ice-cream, normal sized portions. I felt like I was possessed when I was scooping ice-cream into a cup, I went to the fridge with the full intention of having a wee bit of ice-cream but the moment I opened the lid I was so mesmerized by this beautiful white glorious matter, I kept scooping and scooping almost as though I wasn’t in control of my hand anymore. I just wanted MORE AND MORE AND MORE. I restrained myself then took my half a cup of ice-cream sat on the sofa, ate it and I did not go back for more.


2 thoughts on “The end of purging

  1. I am very proud of you for the stopping of the purge. I know the bleeding and stuff made you do it. I know how it feels, and I only say that because I really do. I rode the roller coaster of Bulimia for 7 years. I am concerned for your health. Maybe you should get your throat examined by a doctor? It’s very important for you to get that looked at because Bulimia can be far more dangerous than today’s world gives it credit for. This is your body crying out for you to stop, and for help. You can do this. I believe in you, and I know you can, because I did. God bless ❤

    • thank you Amanda for the support, I have made an appointment with my doctor for this week so at least that’s sorted. You’re right in today’s world Bulimia doesn’t get attention for the serious lethal illness it is, it destroys so many functions of the body and so so many things can go wrong a heart attack, an esophageal tear you name it, it is without a doubt up there with all the serious diseases.

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