I don’t know how many days it has been since the ol purge but I think it has been 6+ days I am not sure, I don’t keep track anymore. I have however been feeling the bloat you get when you have spent a couple of days without purging because your body is confused. I know I can’t purge anymore that’s just not a risk I am willing to take, I know I have said this before but this time it’s no longer fear talking, it’s reality. When I put my fingers down my throat to the left side I can feel something is wrong and out of place, if I push my fingers down my throat and attempt to purge, a bit of food comes out but when I look at my fingers they have blood on them. That luxury so to speak of ridding of the guilt, that euphoric feeling, the easy way out, the coping mechanism I have relied on for so many years has been taken away from me.
Would I love to be able to purge like normal? hell yes and that is my problem. I enjoy food, I love food, I love snacks, chocolates, muffins, cereal you name it. I love food but it’s one thing I fear most in the world. I want to devour it but I can’t because I will get fat so I starve until the urge overtakes and I binge and purge but there is no longer a way to rectify it, I hate exercising with a passion, I’d rather not eat anything and then spend the whole day feeling dizzy as long as I am getting results. The idea to purge was my brilliant idea the first time I did it all those years ago, it was exciting, it worked/works. now I feel like my throat and my body have turned on me, I wanted recovery to be as a result of me being in control and saying no purging but instead my throat is saying no to me. It scares me that I might lose control and end up purging and end up completely messing myself up. You are not yourself when you are in the binge-purge zone, yes you are you in some sense but not entirely.. you are this thing, this ravenous beast on a mission.
My eating has been half haphazard for the past few days but I’ve made the conscious decision to not dwell on it, by haphazard I don’t mean overeating or bingeing but I have been eating foods outside of the what I usually limit myself to like adding a portion of noodles instead of just having vegetables and grilled chicken, having a muffin with my coffee granted I always always dissect any muffin I eat.. I perform surgery on muffins by breaking it into a million pieces and only eating the top crusty part and the sides and then I throw it away… always. I have an issue with texture when it comes to the food I eat, I like hard food like toast, my meat has to be dry. when I eat bread it has to be hard brown bread and even then I will only eat the crusts.
I have been feeling extremely lethargic towards the end of the day and I am breaking rules. I am breaking so many of my rules but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world, I never used to eat before 7pm now I do, I never used to allow myself a muffin with my coffee unless it was a binge or an “off-day”/ scheduled binge day were I surfeit myself to the point of loathing everything about myself. Today and last night I had ice-cream, normal sized portions. I felt like I was possessed when I was scooping ice-cream into a cup, I went to the fridge with the full intention of having a wee bit of ice-cream but the moment I opened the lid I was so mesmerized by this beautiful white glorious matter, I kept scooping and scooping almost as though I wasn’t in control of my hand anymore. I just wanted MORE AND MORE AND MORE. I restrained myself then took my half a cup of ice-cream sat on the sofa, ate it and I did not go back for more.