Just because you have made a declaration to stop doing something doesn’t mean that a switch is flipped and you are this renewed person. I fought the urge to purge today and I won, it feels like defeat though in the moments after eating but at the end of the day right here, right now it feels like victory but with a thousand more daily battles in store. I ate a small amount of cereal in the morning and it felt like I had this mass.. this dead weight sitting in my belly, making me uncomfortable. I don’t know what it is about cereal but a few teaspoonfuls and I get so full so I tend to steer clear unless I am extremely hungry ie about to pass out.
I am proud of the progress I have made this weekend regarding my assignments and portfolios, I am usually too hungry to study because it can get pretty difficult to concentrate when hunger is gnawing away at your insides or when you feel too full to concentrate. I haven’t been in town for two weeks and that means that I haven’t bought real binge food (the good stuff) for that long, usually I would be in a state of panic but I am not. I did buy some biscuits and lollipops on Monday for a mini-binge, I furiously power walked to the corner store and the walk home was just as fast, woman on a mission.. I actually was on the verge of sprinting because I did not want to risk being caught.. what if mum or my brother had decided to come back home, I would have been caught red-handed with a plastic bag full of treats-how embarrassing! I even saw a guy I know who lives down the street walking not that far ahead of me and I then decided to walk super slow so that I would not have to talk to him and I would avoid the risk of him seeing my plastic bag of goodies, what if he puts two into two together? What if word gets back to my family that I was seen with a bag of goodies? How would I explain it? of course that is paranoia and sheer ridiculousness talking, who cares whether somebody has bought biscuits!