I feel sick

Physically I am fine there is nothing wrong with me, I am fine. I found out just an hour ago that the mother of the two brothers who live a couple of houses down the street from us has passed away. These guys are not just people who live in my neighborhood, they come over to our house and we watch football with these guys especially the big matches, I cannot go as far as saying they are my friends because they are not but when I bump into either of them in the street we always exchange friendly football banter. They are just people I know on the surface I don’t know their struggles and they don’t know mine but the mother’s death has pained me.

I have never met their mother who just passed, I have never seen her face but I know that she is a woman who left two grandchildren behind and those grandchildren will never know their grandma. The circumstances surrounding her death are both angering and confusing. Her kidneys were failing but there was hope, she was getting dialysis and somehow during all the medical procedures that had to be done on her the doctors severed a major artery which caused her to lose a lot of blood, she was able to get discharged and go home but by then she was very sick, frail and never recovered. How can doctors mess up that bad? It’s 2014 and doctors still make these fatal blunders.

I have never met her before and I don’t know why I am this upset. I am thinking about this one time when my mum and I were talking I don’t know how we ended up on that subject but she said to me “when I die don’t spend forever mourning me, just accept that such is life and instead be appreciative of all this time we have had because many people never got to spend that amount of time with their loved ones”– my mum knows about the fear I have that she might die someday and leave me all alone, ever since I was a child I have always had this fear. I would lay awake at night and torture myself with that fear and then I would cry myself to sleep.

When I heard the news of this woman’s passing the clock in the living room started to click louder and louder and I felt like I was running out of time, I can’t explain but I went into a state of panic. I feel nauseous now and my head is aching. I can’t even begin to imagine what that woman’s family is going through. Death is so cruel.


2 thoughts on “I feel sick

  1. I’m so sorry about this. I’m sorry I don’t know what to say, but you’re in my thoughts.

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