Control Control Control

Well, after the past two days this is what I feel like,

snack-barbieI haven’t eaten any fruit since Sunday and I have been eating muffins, milk and porridge-like cereal. I am not myself I am SO hungry, this isn’t greed all but I genuinely have been feeling dizzy accompanied by excruciating headaches, it’s tough even looking at my laptop and doing my assignments or what not. The only thing that is keeping me from collapsing is eating and I hate it because I am a machine goddammit! I can eat apples, vegetables and coke zero only for days and not feel fatigued but I guess my body just wants nourishment… it’s starving and tired.

Tomorrow I am putting an end to this madness, back to the plan… back to restriction. Eating in itself in a massive trigger, it leads to bingeing then purging and the mean cycle will be completed, I’d rather deny myself any food and avoid the trigger but there has to be a way to break that eats normal meal–oh no, might as well binge–actually binges link. I guess it all comes down to control control control, which is something I don’t have at least not consistently anyway. The control comes in waves, tomorrow and the day after I might have it and then lose it the day after.

 

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