Steps backwards.

This afternoon was a complete blur, I started the day feeling motivated and determined to restrict so I could make up for Monday and Tuesday’s binge. I finalised and sent off my portfolio of evidence which was a relief, after 4 months of working on it I just wanted it handed in and out of my sight. On the way home I was feeling extremely anxious I knew I didn’t have to buy binge food because I wasn’t feeling it but there’s a part of me that wanted to because I can and I kept saying to myself it’s okay if I bought the binge food because I just submitted a huge portfolio so therefore I “deserve” it.

I went into 4 supermarkets and in each and every one of those supermarkets I just walked around eyeing all the food that I didn’t want to buy but fully knowing that I could buy it because I can. In the 5th supermarket I went straight to the fridge section and I bought a diet soda then I went back home feeling like I had conquered.

I got home and watched a couple of shows on my laptop, I knew a storm was coming, a storm in the form of a binge so I ate a pear, had some coffee. All hell broke loose when I opened the fridge and I saw cupcakes by this time the craving and greed had already robbed me of my senses. I ate that cupcake then went straight for the cereal, chocolate milk, more cereal, juice, a handful of crisps. Then when I had my hand elbow deep into a gigantic bag of crisps my senses came back, I snapped out of binge zone and came back to reality. Reality told me I was a fat failure and would never recover.

I furiously marched to my parent’s room and weighed myself making sure I took off all my clothes including a rubber band bracelet-like rubber band would make the number go higher. I promised myself if my weight was the same as the last time I weighed myself I would forgive myself for this binge and move on but if it was higher I would surfeit myself because fuck it. The number was higher and instead of crying I didn’t, I went straight for the bathroom nothing could have stopped me at that point… I then purged and it felt amazing I will not lie. Surprise surprise I broke my no purge oath but I guess I should be “proud” for going so long without purging- a week or so. All habits die hard I reverted to what I used to do before binge purge binge again and then purge. I didn’t purge everything out and that was by choice, I purged until I felt comfortable enough to go on with my day.
I didn’t care if blood came out, I just didn’t care.

It’s getting hard to carry on with an ED and nobody knows I am bulimic. I try not to think about it too much but it doesn’t work, all I think about is food every waking moment. My mum thinks all is well now, she knows I struggle to eat some days but what she doesn’t know is that when she is around and she sees me not eating, I’ll actually be restricting and trying to recover from a binge. My anorexic days are behind me but my weight fluctuates a lot. At family functions everyone says to me “you’re out of the woods now” and then they go on to say “but gain just a little bit more”. They are all crazy, I need to lose weight and they should just stop making my ED a topic of discussion, I don’t have the energy to defend myself, I’m just tired.

I am planning on eating veggies for dinner and some chicken, my head is pounding and I just want to tell someone everything and cry it all out but I can’t because I am alone in this and to be honest that makes it easier, I would never be able to look someone in the eye because of shame if I told anyone about my big bulimia secret, I guess shame is a small price to pay if it means getting the help I so desperately need but things are chilled here I don’t want to raise alarm… everything is always about me in this house.


9 thoughts on “Steps backwards.

  1. From one stranger to another…my heart is breaking for you. Be as well as you can, or don’t be. Be okay, or don’t be. But know you’re on my mind.

  2. As impossible as it may sound, you truly are not alone. No one is. It’s hard to fully comprehend this because we’re so used to living life in our own minds — our perceptions of the world, our fears, anxieties, loves, hates, and on and on — but it is true.

    If you can accept even just a tiny bit of this truth (really! I hope you do), then deep down you will condition your mind to look for that “someone” out there who will click with you…and you will be open to letting that person into your life (it does not have to be a romantic relationship). And when that happens, it will feel natural, like it was destined to happen.

    And from that moment on, your spirit will begin to sore and get stronger. Stronger each day.

    Just put the thought that you are alone out of your mind. Just accept that there is someone (or many “someones”) out there where your life flames, your vibrations, are complimentary to one another. Do this and see what happens. Give it a week, a month or a couple months, and see what happens. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

    It will happen.

  3. I can relate to all of your posts, and this one especially. It is hard explaining to people who only see you eating a few hundred calories a day why you are full.

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