It’s awfully quiet tonight, in my head that is. I am irritable & in bed feeling nauseous after a hectic day of bingeing and several unsuccessful attempts at purging…. It’s always the same scene these days binge then wander around the house debating whether I should purge or not, the majority of the time I don’t purge and if I do I only purge a little just til I don’t feel too full.
I’d rather fast for the next few days, the way I feel after purging is amazing like I have been relieved of unbearable burden but it also creates the illusion of emptiness… You wake up hungry the next day with a savage headache you feel deprived so you reach out for something to comfort you and alleviate the feeling of being sick so you reach for something to eat and the cycle repeats itself & in the end it makes you gain weight.
In all honesty my body cannot take the effects of a full blown purge til you throw up bile. Terrified that something might go wrong I always find myself looking for signs not to purge when I am on my knees about to do the deed, it could be a dog barking, a notification on my phone or a door rattling because of the wind. Today my hand my was shaking and right before I purged my phone rang, I answered it and took it as a sign to not proceed with purging or something would go wrong.