I made it.

First of praise the lord.

I have been a wreck in the week leading up to the release of results of my research proposal, to add to my frustration and anxiousness the results were released in bits and pieces so other students received their results on Monday and up until this Friday afternoon I was in the dark on how I had done. I got a 63%, it’s not a huge mark but I am so relieved. Even though I still have quite a long way to go at least I have crossed this hurdle.

The thing is I registered for another subject that follows from the research proposal even though my academic advisors “strongly advised” me not to do it, according to the curriculum I was supposed to register for it in 2015 but I wasn’t having that. Time was running out and I needed the result so I could proceed with the other subject and submit a compulsory essay due on Monday otherwise I would be de-registered.

I decided sometime during last weekend that I had to have faith, I prayed to God to give me a fraction of my mum’s faith but things spiralled out of control and I found myself bingeing and purging in order to deal with my emotions and fears. I have purged 14 times this week (between Sunday and Thursday), haven’t done that in a long time but I didn’t know what to do so I ended up cramming food down my mouth even the week before was hectic, the bingeing was uncontrolled and it felt like everything was falling apart… I just wanted the results so I could be put out of my misery.

It’s becoming a pattern when my mind is troubled the first thing I reach for is a packet of biscuits, food is so comforting but once I am done eating and I can feel it sitting in my stomach I immediately loathe it. On a normal day the thought of purging terrifies me but on bad days (which are most days) I become so fearless in a destructive fashion.

Yesterday afternoon I cried for an hour straight, I had no appetite all of a sudden and I started having stomach cramps caused by stress. I could not tell anyone what I was going through. It makes me worry though, if I were to be presented with a “real problem” would I be able to even cope or it would drive me over the edge and lead me to something better left unknown.

Tonight I will sleep just fine, it’s going to be a long weekend full of essay writing but at least I won’t be carrying this week’s worries and doubts into tomorrow. Tomorrow has it’s own problems, ones created in my head or real problems either way at least this nightmare is over.

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