Fighting my biology

I always feel like I am constantly fighting my biology. I am not a naturally thin person, I was born at nine and a half months, I was a big baby (4kg) and in primary school I was taller than the rest of the class and have always carried more weight in my lower body. If I were to eat normally my weight will go up to what it’s supposed to be naturally and that makes me angry because I hate how I was made.

A person can go to the gym, eat wisely but there are some parts of ours bodies we can never change… well at least not completely, if you have you have your grandma’s large legs, your mum’s large thighs, your dad’s veiny hands or whatever it may be. It’s frustrating but those parts are there to stay.

A few years ago my mum told me she suffered from body image issues before when she was younger, she told me she used to starve herself but it wasn’t as extreme as how I starve myself she said. So maybe it’s genetic or it’s just a coincidence, she has since gotten over it and is now a happy eater and I am wildly jealous of her.

Looking back my body image problem started when I was in crèche, it intensified when I was around 4 years old and we had an end of term play at crèche and I played the role of the mum, I remember I was happy to have been chosen but a part of me felt sad because I knew I had been chosen I was you know, bigger than the rest of the girls. It wasn’t a big deal at the time, I got over it.

In primary school I polished off the gigantic sandwiches my mum packed for me but a part of me felt so bad for eating it all when I compared my food to what my classmates were having, mine was lunchbox fit for a teenage boy. I can’t say what started first, my issues with food or my body image issues but I suspect at some point I realised that I could change the way I look and feel by simply eating less then eventually eating nothing.  It got to the point I guess were the control and discipline starving oneself affords became addictive.

I vividly remember at 13 years old wearing a lime green top sitting on the floor about to do the millionth sit up on an empty stomach, I said to myself “I’m good at this, I am not have control of things in my life but I have control of this”- meaning the extreme dieting, the exercising. It’s funny in a sorta tragic way, how things escalate and how time flies before you know it you’re pushing 23 and you’re thinking to yourself, how is it even possible I have suffering from these eating disorders for 12 years.

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