If we get there at all.

“All our feet can do is chase the wind”

I am feeling the way I was feeling last week, hopeless and very emotional. There are a lot of things going on in my family , I am watching them breaking and bending and it hurts me because we are good people with good intentions but things never seem to go our way. They all seem fine… going on with their lives like normal and I am praying to God that what I am sensing is just imagined and not actually happening because that would break me.

It’s days like this when the fear creeps in through the shadows and I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s okay at night when we all watch tv but everything changes when it’s time for bed and I am standing in front of the bathroom mirror about to brush my teeth and I can feel the weight of this profound silence. That’s when I think about how tomorrow will come and I will have to deal with everything all over again, the days just bleed into each other.

All my life I have always been in anticipation of a better deal, I can’t say I have ever felt content with anything and that makes me feel bad. I have never managed to grasp that better deal it always is elusive and all the open doors have so far proven themselves to be illusions.

I don’t know how to properly explain it but I am so unhappy and I am ashamed of who I am. I want so much more out of life but just because there is a will there isn’t always a way, there are obstacles in the way. Sometimes I like to take comfort in convincing myself that this all just a test, God is testing me… It has to be a test that will soon be over because my eyes are growing weary of staying open waiting for the light.

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6 thoughts on “If we get there at all.

  1. This feeling is something I am all too familiar with. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xx

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