Another new month has begun,
I always hate the beginning of a new month because it’s a reminder of how fast the days are flying by and it creates this panic within me because I come face to face with the lack of change in my life and a lot of emotions surface.
Tonight I feel bruised emotionally, It seems I have managed to fall into the pit again and I can’t be bothered to pick myself up and get myself. I am torn between wanting to numb all the pain (because sometimes you can’t feel it all) and letting myself feel all the pain by not numbing anything.
The shred of joy that I was experiencing the weekend is gone, all that calmness too. I feel calm but a different kind of calm, the type that can be described as I feel nothing but everything at the same time. This is the calm before the enormous storm, it has been for a while.
There are nights when I like to make myself believe that maybe if I let myself feel all the pain… I mean really feel it all then maybe, I won’t ever feel it again. There are only so many sad indie songs a girl can listen to as a way of coping before the escape called music no longer helps… well, at least the way it used to.