I am a panic station

Panicking really bad right now because my mum went grocery shopping and it seems she bought everything in the supermarket. I feel anxious when there is too much food in the house, I like it when there is only an average amount because then I won’t feel the urge to binge since food will go missing and that would raise a red flag.

There are a lot of cereal boxes, frozen pies, frozen muffins, chocolate, scones, 5litres of ice cream, chocolate milk plus other treats (all in bulk) I, could binge myself into oblivion. At least there is a balance of everything veggies and fruit etc. I will make myself some noodles with a tiny cube of  cheese then fill the rest of the plate with veggies, I feel like crap after purging this afternoon.

Tomorrow will be difficult but I will try to focus on other things instead of stuffing my face and purging. I burned all the food wrappers that have been collecting in my room, the burning of food wrappers or throwing them away in bins far away from home is in itself is a form of purging.

I am so glad nobody in my family knows I’m bulimic, with bulimia comes strategy, I have never slipped up not even once. If they suspect something they have never told me about it. Somedays I really wonder if I am that good at deceiving my own family, doesn’t my own mother have a slight suspicion of my bulimia?!. It gets exhausting struggling on your own without your family supporting you because they don’t know a single thing but I know my mother she is amazing but she would never understand the mental illness aspect of bulimia, she doesn’t get eating disorders.. I mean really get them. She is always nagging me about my eating habits, how infrequent I eat, my child-like small portions, weird eating habits etc but she has no clue that behind closed doors I can polish up bowls of cereal then throw it up.

My mum is VERY religious, she blames evil spirits/the devil as the cause of my ED (the one she knows of), she truly believes that if she prays hard enough, if I pray hard enough I will be cured. Don’t get me wrong I believe in God but it gets frustrating when I know I can’t even confide in her about bulimia because she will get all religious on me and I will never find the help I need.

I believe God doesn’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. For example you can’t pray to God so you can pass a test without even touching the textbook just like I can’t just  kneel and hope to find recovery and actually getting it without first taking the necessary steps to recover and recovery encompasses a myriad of issues to address.

So that’s my situation.


2 thoughts on “I am a panic station

  1. You’re right; God won’t help those that don’t help themselves, but I also believe that he doesn’t give up trying to point us in the right direction. Let me ask you something ….. if you were fat, like if you just gave up and ate until you gained 100 pounds, why would that be such a terrible thing? From the health standpoint you’re doing your body just as much harm by being bulimic as you would do to it being fat like I am.

    You gotta love you for you, not matter your size or your lifestyle or whatever it may be that’s holding you back. Nobody’s life is ever 100% perfect. Those that don’t struggle with eating disorders may struggle with drug or alcohol problems, or promiscuity, or a million other different things. No matter what you do, someone is going to find fault in who you are. You have to approve of yourself. It’s something I have to work on as well.

    • If I were to gain 100 pounds it’d be awful but it wouldn’t be the end of the world, logically I know that there worse things to be than being fat it’s just this ED mindset that is hard to shake and dictates everything you do and alters the way you think. I agree self acceptance is key, if you accept yourself I believe great things will follow in terms of relationships with family or romantic relationships and you as a person will be much happier… easier said than done but hey in the end it’ll be worth it.

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