When the disorder catches up with you

Its exactly 1:45am and I have been up doing random stuff on my laptop. 10 minutes ago the scariest thing happened.

I was doing the whole getting ready for bed ritual, I went to the loo then my mouth started tasting funny.. this taste of blood & I thought that was odd so I went to the sink.. spat and there it was bright red blood. I don’t know what to do, I put a tissue in my mouth to see maybe my gums are bleeding then I gargled but nothing more came out. The purging has  finally caught up with me in an evident way now, I don’t know what to do. I chewed raw garlic maybe it’ll help (I garlic is my go to cure all remedy).

I can’t wake anyone up now it’ll have to wait till morning. My hands are shaking from fear as I am typing this and I know now that I truly want to be here on earth, I want to live and I don’t wanna die. All the suicidal thoughts and tendencies seem so ridiculous now. It’s angering recalling some things I have said to myself about not wanting to live, nonsense I have typed on twitter or wherever about existence being meaningless. Maybe what has happened is the wake up call I need, I don’t want to be this person anymore.

Tomorrow well today, I am going to the doctor, I may or may not confess about bulimia but how do I explain spitting up blood. Maybe I’ll say I threw up involuntarily earlier in the day and suppose the vomiting was rather violent. Oh I am so ridiculous, If I go on my own I’ll tell the doc everything but if not even if I will obviously go into the doc’s office alone I won’t tell because the situation might get out of hand. I am so ashamed I am not ready for anyone to know.

I don’t think I will be able to sleep or watch a movie think I’ll just scroll random websites on my phone until Sunrise. I can’t cry, surprised I am not crying I guess when you are in so much fear crying isn’t the first reaction. I Just hope tomorrow they will give me antibiotics and send me on my way.

Has anyone with bulimia ever  randomly spat blood even hours after purging? What did you do? Help.


6 thoughts on “When the disorder catches up with you

  1. Please talk to your family and doctors about this. they will help you. they care about you. they aren’t going to judge you. they are there to help you. believe me, being honest is the best thing you can do for yourself.

  2. I agree. Your family will be there for you. And your doctors will do everything they can to help you. I’ve been through this and am still going through it. When I confessed I felt completely alone, like I was the only one who had ever made this confession. But I wasn’t. I was one of so so many. They WILL understand and love you regardless. You’re amazing for confessing!

  3. I have spat up blood as well. It freaks me out every time so I know how much fear you must have. I usually try to drink lots of water. I assume it is coming from my throat being irritated but I’m not sure because I never really addressed it with a doctor. I agree with the others that you should really try to open up to your family and doctors. We are hurting ourselves and need help. I’m realizing more and more that I cannot do this alone. I tend to isolate and it is not helping my recovery at all. I need those around me to help me find the way. Please take care of yourself! You can get through this and life will be so much better once you do!

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