I can’t seem to find the right word to describe what the past two days have been like, I haven’t been feeling a lot of emotions but realisations galore. I haven’t been myself whoever that is since I don’t know who my authentic self is anymore.
After much thought and consideration I decided to not go to the doctor after randomly spitting up bright red blood, in all the years I have been bulimic this had never happened before… not like that, when I purge I sometimes find streaks of blood but I have never randomly spit pure blood before. I live in fear of the dreaded esophageal rupture, if you have one it can be fatal. When I woke up the next morning it wasn’t a matter of emergency anymore so I instead went to the pharmacy and got antibiotics without a prescription … I guess I am very convincing. My body feels weak, my side hurts like someone is poking me with a needle and don’t even get me started on my throat, my chest hurts and my stomach hurts like I am having menstrual cramps. I am still here not fully standing but trying to get up.
There is this hypochondriac part of me that has this fear that maybe I am bleeding internally or my throat will suddenly snap and I will die, this is all ridiculous thinking… I hope. Last night my family and I sat in the living room everyone on their phones and not really paying attention to the tv, these are the hours that are disguised as family time but nobody really talks but in a huge way it is indeed family time. Anyway, I thought that now would be the perfect time to just blurt out and say it I’m bulimic… I really thought of saying it.. I really did but the words weren’t exactly sticking at the back of my throat because in all truthfulness I did not want to expose who I really am, so I kept quiet… tears filled my eyes and I sank into the sofa and carried on with my night.
My plate is overflowing with issues emotional or otherwise that I know I am not allowing myself to feel right now but I will need to deal with them soon, in a way though I am OKAY, I am not in bed bawling my eyes out, I haven’t jammed my fingers down my throat for two days and I don’t feel like I am going to lose it if I don’t purge. This is definitely the calm before the storm and I am still in shock, the urges will start, I will binge and I will not be able to purge and that is when I will have to fight the urge and remind myself of that night at 1am when blood was dripping from my mouth and I was terrified I was never going to see another sunrise.