Been any easy weekend so far, nothing too stressful just movies black coffee and fruit. 3 days purge free, my body is on the mend that feeling of a needle poking at my sides is gone, my neck is healing properly it doesn’t feel like my throat is disintegrating when I tilt my head to the side but I can still taste blood in my mouth and I am convinced it’s all in my head. Weekends are always easy since everyone will be home & it’s as much a hindrance and a distraction from carrying out my bingeing tendencies. I’ve had an apple and tons of coffee since morning its almost 5pm now, eating and retaining the food lives me in so much pain. I can’t down fluids over 300ml in a short space of time without feeling like my stomach is about burst open so in turn my binges are getting smaller and smaller which I guess is a good thing.
The aroma of the dinner mum made smells like childhood, when I was about 7 or 8 before this whole ED thing began when I was a happy eater & I would eat without a care in the world. I feel virtuous when I eat a bowl of boiled veggies and chicken every night but in a way I feel excluded when everyone is eating a normal dinner. I miss potato salad with lots of mayonnaise in it, rice and stew, warm whole meal brown bread with a slob of margarine and polony, God I miss cold meats on bread, garlic rolls, cheese pastries, biroches dipped in chocolate, hot custard, giant chocolate covered croissants, giant coconut biscuits with shiny chocolate glazing.
If I were to start eating, I would never be able to stop for months.