In the aftermath of yesterday’s epic purging sessions, breath stinks of garlic (which I believe is nature’s antibiotic) & lethargy is reigning like it always does.
Hunger has taken over my mind, my thoughts and my sleep. I feel it in every bit of my body, but most of all I feel it in the pit of my stomach. My hunger for food is stronger than my hunger to be as emanciated as I can be and this all new to me. All I want to do is sleep but my stomach is burning & growling… it won’t let me be.
I decided to eat something because where I was heading was complete insanity so I broke my not eating anything other than fruit and veg on a restriction day and I poured half a cup of coco pops, I felt like such a sinner without any hope of redemption. With each mouthful I felt relieved for giving my body the nourishment it was demanding but I also felt like I had just lost a battle. I couldn’t finish it all… guilt said I simply could not and that I had had enough so I poured the remaining half down the bathroom sink then downed a glass of water. I am still hungry.
Hunger is a complete foreign sensation to me so when I feel it it’s intense and it completely destroys me.
It is becoming more and more
difficult impossible to restrict. Yesterday was filled with pie, ice cream and chocolate devouring the day before was a successful restriction day and Monday and Tuesday were a complete disaster… a food fest, if you could see me now my head is bowed down in shame. Why is my body betraying me, why is it feeling hungry when I haven’t had the best of weeks food wise, I am out of control. A bottomless pit with the appetite of two teenage boys. Something has to give.