Self Centered

“Addiction is a self centered thinking disease

Am I comfortable now
Am I comfortable now
Am I comfortable now
Am I comfortable now
Am I comfortable now
Am I comfortable now

Am I feeling good now
Am I feeling good now
Is everything good now
Am I
Am I
Am I”

I am not an addict of any sort, well maybe I am addicted to misery, food and the binge/purge/restrict cycles but in the true sense of the word I am not addict but I can identify with the self centered aspect of addiction. How do I feel now, I am feeling faint, How will I cope if I eat this, I am feeling triggered, I feel huge, how will this affect me,  etc. All day that’s what congests my mind… me me me me. Everyone else be damned!
I would just love to eliminate myself from my own head, if that makes sense. To just press a button and exit the mind.

I talk about self-loathing a lot but when I really think about it I don’t hate myself at all, I just need a break from me. It’s weird how sometimes when I look in the mirror I actually say to myself “wow I am a real person”, it’s this huge realisation and very hard to describe but in those moments I feel detached from who I’ve always been and it feels like I am staring at someone new but my brain tells me this is who I’ve always been.

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2 thoughts on “Self Centered

  1. I thought I was the only person that happened to! Sometimes I will look in the mirror and become painfully aware of myself and it is so uncomfortable that I’ll have to look away! It’s like I suddenly realize that I’m there and it’s so weird.

    And I know for sure that I am an addict – of course not purely physically, because you don’t truly get withdrawal symptoms from not eating (except for being really hungry – which in itself is very painful for me) – but mainly mentally. It’s like the only way I can deal with stress or boredom or loneliness is to eat. I do get a sense of euphoria when I eat though, and that must be physical. I wish I could just stop.

    • Wow! you too?! I thought I was the only one who does that too when looking in the mirror & thought nobody would get what I was talking about coz it sounds kinda crazy, so comforting to know that somebody else does that too.

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