Murky Waters

The past few weeks I have really what I am convinced is my rock bottom with depression, it hurts more than it used to and the sadness is much more profound and unbearable, I want to unload it all off and run but I can’t because this is my life which live in. I cry for hours and I have never cried like the way I have been crying before in my life. Waking up is a battle that I have been losing, this morning I could not find the energy to get out of bed, I just wanted to sleep kingdom come. My body felt so weak, the simplest tasks feel like climbing a mountain.

I can feel this wind of change nothing has changed but I don’t feel the same because now if some things didn’t mean much now everything means nothing. There are certain few things that brought me joy even if it was just a shred of it and only momentary but now when I engage in those activities I feel nothing and it has left me distraught because I have nothing left.

My dreams have been nothing short of terrifying, I have dreamt of my gran dying and I remember in the dream I felt so much regret over the fact that I never go to see her at all. I also had a dream about my whole family turning against and me pointing fingers at me, in my dream it was very stressful, in another dream I was outside in our yard and when I went to grab something from my mum’s car and huge man pointed a gun at me. I’m not one to dwell on what the meaning of a dream is maybe purely for interests sake but these dreams are evidence of my distress.

Tonight was a typical Saturday night, watched tv with the volume on full because of the raucous my brother and his friends were making, they maybe an annoying lot but it always helps to have them around they bring life to what would be an otherwise quiet and lonely weekend. Sometimes even if you want to be left alone having someone in the next room flipping a page helps a lot and in my case people in and out of the house drinking beers… laughing, having a grand time. My parents may consider my brother’s friends as losers but these guys have lived, they have experiences and stories, I have never had that… all my experiences and stories consist of me kneeling down with two fingers down my throat and I will take these shameful stories and experiences with me to my grave.

At around 10pm the wave of sadness hit me and I wanted to cover my head with my duvet and my bed to swallow me up to never be heard from again. Luckily a friend texted me and I was able to find distraction from my own sadness, I was still aware of the state I am in but it helped the hours pass but now we’re done talking I am now in the company of undiluted sadness yet again but I’m too drowsy/lethargic to cry and my chest hurts.

They say silence is a dangerous sound but right now silence sounds so golden. I can’t wait to drift off to sleep.

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