Don’t have much to say, been one of those weekends where routine bites hard. Winter is officially over its sunny out but here I am freezing and procrastinating.
I should get some work done but I want to sit here and eat everything (while magically losing weight). ED wise I’m rotating in the same cycle which sucks but I am used to the cycle sometimes I’m convinced it’s what keeps me sane, going outside of the confines of that binge-purge-restrict cycle always results in calamity. I’m sticking to what I know, no wonder I haven’t recovered, I will not let go of the reigns… pure refusal.. Silly girl.
School work hasn’t exactly been going well, I hate my fellow classmates in the way they are so enthusiastic about assignments and how keen they for everything academic… research tasks, discussion classes and winter school. Good grief! It’s funny because in undergrad I was that type of person… obsessive and always 4 chapters ahead of everyon, now I can’t be bothered, it’s a mixture of I have already proven myself academic wise and what’s the point also fear. I have years to go before I get to where I want to be in terms of education and if I am floundering now then maybe I’m not cut out for any of it and I should have stopped when I was still ahead.
I can’t back out because I want this so bad and leaving things undone is not in my nature, it’s such a wonderful thing when it’s all done though and you’re looking at your academic record and to be honest that’s where I I find my self worth as sad as that sounds. I have faith I will get out of this funk and find the motivation I need. The others are on week 18 of our course work and I am on week 4, seriously I can’t understand how much I have managed to slack off 14 weeks behind… who does that?!?!?!! What have I been doing? nothing, the last few months are all a blur it’s like it was day 1 of course work just yesterday then I blinked and woke up today months later. CLEARLY I have much to do and the clock is ticking louder than ever before… it’s deafening.