I want to but I can’t

I’m fighting the urge to purge right now. I have purged in excess today, 6 times to be exact and it’s only 3pm. A bowl of cereal-purge. A muffin and lord knows what else I cant remember-purge & so on and so forth. My throat has had enough, I have had enough but saying it won’t make the heavy feeling in my stomach go away. 

The amazing thing about the throat is that it heals itself pretty fast but I have been purging a lot these past two weeks so my throat is all worn out, it needs time to repair. I started crying kneeling down about to rid myself of all the cereal, I cried not because I have an eating disorder that consumes me but because I just wanted to purge for one last time today so I could carry on on an empty stomach & enjoy the rest of my day. I was denied that luxury…. or rather I denied myself but I could not bring myself to shove my two fingers into my mouth and down my throat, my fingers felt like they were frozen. My full stomach was telling me YES YES YES but my mind was telling me NO NO NO.

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3 thoughts on “I want to but I can’t

  1. Omg. This. Yup, exactly. The struggle between wanting to stop, wanting to rid my body, and the crying. Either bc I’m so frustrated and fed up or discouraged and a wreck.

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