It’s getting harder

sigh.

It’s getting harder to carry on, I am not living and feel like I am merely riding it out for the sake of my family- this is who I am now, I am so ashamed.

A year ago if you would have told me that a year later I would be feeling this way, that it would be this bad and I’d be this sad weak person, I wouldn’t have believed it. All the emotions are so intense and more unbearable than before, I can’t stop crying and sleep is my bestfriend.

I feel as though I have been seeking answers all this time and now that I know the answers I wish I had stop digging because the truth and reality are so cruel. I wish I had remained ignorant of this hurt, I wish I had been complacent maybe if I didn’t want to be more, to be different & be what is authentically me I wouldn’t have suffered. Maybe if I hadn’t dreamed so big and instead just slipped into an insignificant existence I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken when it all didn’t fall into place. I did slip into an insignificant.miserable existence, I literally woke up a year later only to realise that I have become who I never thought I’d be, the truth is a bitter pill I don’t think I can swallow. I don’t know what to do and there’s since sense of urgency that just consumes me, like time is running out.

I know I am young and should remain hopeful but I just can’t see any change past this state I am in.

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4 thoughts on “It’s getting harder

  1. I know what you mean. I’m 23 and I wake up every day in panic, only to get up to have absolutely no fuckin’ clue what to do or where to go.There must be a way to deal with these ailments. The real problem is that the condition itself leads one to reject all ‘sollutions’ as impractical and silly.

  2. It’s because you are fighting such a powerful illness. Horrible. I am so moved by your journey. There will be better days but when it’s like this, I know the blackness and frustration of not being where you feel you should be. Lose the ‘should.’ You have a right to just be as you are in any given moment. May be this is the best of you at this time. And you know what? That’s right for you in this time. You are doing the best you can do and that’s all you can do. No ‘shoulds’ or ‘coulds.’ As you are, is just right. xx

  3. Nothing will change until you start changing it. If you fail, you try again. You can say you aren’t strong enough all you want, but you are. Don’t be the excuse. Be the reason that you get better and you beat all of this. You have it in you to do it. Now you just have to want to. You got this.

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