Earning it.

“Are you really going to eat that? Have you earned it? Is there an extremely important reason you have to eat breakfast? You can just forgo it” Internal monologue.

There is the concept of earning your meal like going on long runs so at the end of the day you don’t have to worry about eating that slice of pie. For me to earn to eat a food item and it actually retain it my restriction prior to that should be immaculate and I won’t feel that guilty. Sometimes being hungry isn’t enough to make me earn my food. Am I feeling faint? No? Then no food or binge and purge everything, you don’t retain what you haven’t earned.

Tonight I feel like I have earned to eat something sustaining but I couldn’t. My family were making burgers and I really wanted one, I just wanted a plain burger with just the meat and a wholewheat roll but the thing is because you deny yourself from eating certain foods and you’re the one eating veggies and a grilled chicken breast while everyone is tucking into some delicious pizza or whatever at some point your family will stop asking if you would want say a burger, pizza etc.

I couldn’t just say hey I want a burger too because I was embarrassed. I have successfully maintained this whole “She doesn’t eat” façade. Who am I to put cracks on that façade and make people start paying real close attention to my eating habits… the whole thing would disintegrate. Hearing someone comment on my tiny portions irritates me but it’s such a boost at the same time because it’s confirmation I’m doing something “right”.

In hindsight I am glad I didn’t have that burger because right now I would be too full and just itching to purge. I haven’t been keeping most food down lately and I am not even ashamed to say that it feels like a huge accomplishment. I’ll eat ice-cream and keep it down, I have earned it.

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One thought on “Earning it.

  1. I love and hate this so much at the same time. This is my daily mindset. “You are only a little dizzy, you can make it though.” “meh, how many miles did I do today?” It is awful that food has to be “earned” and not just “enjoyed”.
    Hang in there! Kick some ass! 🙂

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