Sunday morning my iron and electrolyte deficient body is craving a binge, I don’t want to consume everything not this time I just want a mug of ice-cream and a giant sized bowl of cereal then I’ll purge and go about my day.
I peek outside through my bedroom window & see the gate closing after my mum leaves for church… the time is now. The familiar pre-binge euphoria takes over, I tip-toe to the kitchen afraid of waking up my dad, his presence in the house this weekend is causing so much discomfort for me especially. He’s usually out with one of his whores and usually comes back Monday morning, I love this arrangement… we are all unbothered by it infact we love it when he doesn’t show his face for weeks.
Anyway I tip-toe to the kitchen, heat up my milk while scooping an obscene amount of ice-cream then I head into my room and binge binge binge. My dad then engages me in conversation while all I want to do is purge, hanging by my bedroom door asking me silly questions. Infuriated I start to panic, the longer the period between bingeing and purging the more liquid-ey the purge gets and more hard work it’ll be to get out and the more food I’ll retain. It’s easier when it comes out “whole” like when you purge muffins and chewed bits of muffins come out “as is” also the sound of you retching is less as opposed to having the food come out fragmented and mixed with stomach loads of fluids because then you’ll retain more.
I grab an old lunch tin from outside, put some music on and start and it’s as I feared liquid-ey and the process is dragged out but I soilder on, I played a whole album before I was done.
Fast forward to 4 hours later I could not bring myself to eat a 1/4 of a scone and coffee. Fasting type of bulimia really is the epitome of a paradox. Downed the coffee froze the 1/4 muffin and all the other 3 tiny squares. It’s all very precise and silly.
Visitors are coming over in 45minutes, I look terrible. I’ll have to put my face on in a few but the tracksuit isn’t coming off. No sir. I just pray nobody comments about my weight, good or bad I don’t want to hear it because either comment will mess with my head and sway my actions.