There is definitely a positive correlation between the chaos in my head and the increase in purging episodes. I have been emotionally constipated in the sense that I wanted to feel something but just as the feelings were about to surface something repressed them, it was like that since Wednesday. Carrying on everything while anticipating the big job interview that was on Friday.
The interview was nothing like I expected, I had assumed I was being interviewed for a certain position when in actual fact I was being interviewed for something else totally different, I stuttered when they asked me questions and my mind went blank. I won’t go into detail but this particular job has plenty of demands and requires a lot of sacrifice (cutting your hair-I’m dead serious) and to be frank I am not cut out for it, who would be?
So that sought of hit me in the face because that big break I was hoping for had just been made not possible, when I got home I felt fine but I binged and purged as a way of trying to put a band-aid on whatever hurt was brewing inside of me, Saturday came and went then in the early hours of Sunday morning I cried so much I had to press a pillow against my face because I felt the sound of my crying would suddenly turn into loud screams. I wasn’t crying about the job not at all but I was crying over the fact that it really hurts to be alive right now, there something I can feel when I breath, this sense of loss and this hurt that just will not heal.
Instead of being curious about what the future holds, I am dreading it all.